Random Hostel Journal Entries

Skippable, not important, just like random out-of-context text messages. A collection of some stuff I'd written in the approximately 3 months of being thrown into a very social environment (university hostel) after over 3 years of complete social isolation; ongoing streak of over 4 months now that I have to break as it's helping me focus on my projects and read more, be more productive and in certain ways happier, but I have realized that overall it's taking a toll on my mental health and I need to interact with people, peers, preferable like-minded, but any kind of humans really, I explain why in my other posts. New to this blog? Start here.

This is just some entries from the journal, diary, notepads, everything related to events that occurred during those 3 months, in no definite order. This was the time when I changed my environment by going to another city between many other kids and realized how depressed I was the last three years, and fortunately I am still much better than before but I'm slowly going down the same abyss that was pulling me in before I broke out of it by going out of home at the beginning of those three months, so I need to do this again before I'm trapped forever and forget that there was any abyss in the first place. I make several spelling and grammatical errors in this one because as I said, it's from one of my diaries, so unlike other posts it won't be that polished.

Freshers upcoming. Tuesday. Theme is cinema characters, excluding anime.

I don't have any particular favourite character, and I don't want to wear anything fancy. I will try not to be the shy kid standing alone in the corner.

The same guy who said I look like Leonard said I should play Young Sheldon. And I think that's a good idea. I already keep my shirt buttoned-up till the uppermost button, and I already act formal and nerdy.

Now I just need a bowtie and some pretentiousness. But I can do without the pretentiousness I guess.

Spent ~5 hours over 2 sessions in library today IT WAS AMAZING. Silent peaceful, read game theory and behave econ.

Just realized the irony of the situation.

I have this action plan of read, reach out and research to determine if I wanna do a phd and go into research. But I am already biased in favour of getting a phd, so it might affect my decisions. I might decide to do it, and later rationalize it by cherry picking data in favour, fall prey to confirmation bias.

But to arrive at an objective unbiased answer I need to actually think like a researcher, a scientist, and see what the data says, unaffected by my fickle feelings. Or maybe feelings could be reliable and helpful in this case, some truth in "following your calling"? Or maybe this is just one of my rationalizations?

Today in the evening I was stopped by three different people independently at three different times- first by a third year who said I look too rigid and nervous, loosen up, am I new, do I have friends.. second time in the mess where I was eating two batchmates came we introduced ourselves to each other and they asked why I don't talk to people much do I have friends.. third time I was on a walk stopped by a second year asking if I am new, I have friends, saw me alone so just curious.

Robotic computer code writing. Twice received compliment and counting.

Just like school. Just like home. Robotic Bookish introvert who doesn't mix up.

Bad memory with names. but now that I have started memorizing and able to recall names, I am deliberately fooling certain people I feel like teasing by pretending to not remember, but then I do tell them their real names.

Reframing. Mam sent class cancel message 5 mins late after I arrived at class. I could think oh if she had informed me earlier I could have done a little more. But I could also think if she had informed 30 mins late I would have wasted even more time, or if class had taken place I wouldn't have got so much more time to do other stuff. Reframing.

Interesting activity in psych class today.

Ma'am asked us to pair up with the kid sitting next to us, and list out all the first impression cognitive traits about that person that come to our mind, both positive and negative. She said we must have known everyone enough to be able to do that.

Next to me was D, my roommate. I gave him this- ambiverted but less talkative, easy going which is usually good but not in some situations like when it causes him to be late to class, unpunctual, concise. He didn't know he was unpunctual.

For me he wrote- radical, eccentric, intellectual, lacking in street smarts and struggles with social interactions. None of those traits were particularly new or surprising for me; I was more or less aware of them and I could give others such an impression. Still I asked him a specific instance that made him think of 'lacking street smarts' and he told me about the bowtie incident. He said I should've been more proactive in finding a bowtie, find other shops, ask other people. Okay.

Batchmates call me in at midnight. Me who likes reading and studying in my room wondering why. Turns out just socialization. Sit with them awkwardly for a while but then make conversation. They ask me to do something that surprises them. I think that's a good challenge. Occurs to me that I was really good at TKD and Karate in my school days and people used to think that me, a skinny little introverted shy kid, would not have it in him, but they didn't realized it's about technique, skill and discipline more than raw strength, and I was nearly perfect at the first three which is why I liked tournament fights and won several gold and silver medals. It's been years since doing that roundhouse and spinning kick, but I tried. I did it. Everyone looks shocked and claps, mission accomplished.

I had two group introductions in the last two days. One in class, just name, city, parent's profession, goals.

When asked for my goal, I said I'll explore research and internships and then decide. I said I won't reveal strengths and weaknesses because I have superpowers and my enemies will exploit them but I'll make up some so I don't sound suspicious. And that I'm trying to overcome my shyness by being more social.

I got the inspiration for the superhero idea from a girl who when asked her strengths and weaknesses denied to reply, which no one else did. I guessed she might have superpowers she doesn't want to reveal, but then the smart thing to do would be to make up something normal sounding, like me, without revealing that you actually are a superhero.

The next interview was a night with the seniors on their floor in conditions that made me anticipate something bad, like ragging. But it was more like a conversation. They asked my hobbies, followed by what type of books I read. Then I had to summarize Thinking Fast and Slow for them, as best as it could be summarized, and it all went over their heads. Then another fresher was asked to summarize my summary and he completely butchered it with inappropriate references. It was awkward, but I was uncharacteristically casual and not nervous at all.

Possibilities:-

I have become desensitized to feeling anything for social situations after a prolonged period of social isolation, or

There have been some changes in my brain, maybe because of growth or meditation, though I've not been meditating as much since I started college, or

My brain feels so anxious that it's just overwhelmed and it shuts down and so I don't feel anything, kinda like the desensitized point, or

I must have hit my head somewhere someday by mistake and affected the area related to social emotions or something.

That's all the reasons I could come up with for now. What do you think?

So A interrupted mam at a time when she was indulging in her daily routine of intoxication and it was A fault to interrupt her at that time. next mistake if you look at the screenshot he types 'everything that is done before first internal' so confused mam even more when she was already in an undesirable mental state. so we go to class, request mam (after using a breath analyzer and all) to give us all marks and fail A because it was his fault and that we will never interrupt her at that time again. Thank you. (This one might not be comprehensible but it was one of the more interesting incidents that occurred during that time so I might expand on this one later when I have the time)

The way VC said loser.. it hit me harder than expected when he said the kids bunking the classes are losers. The word by itself doesn't hold much emotional weight or significance for me, but the intonation inflection or whatever, more likely the context it was used in, completely changed the effect it had on me, like I know what loser is, but I still sort of got what vc was trying to say, like those kids would for immediate sports practice gain on cost of class trading off their long term career and increasing their likelihood to be losers in that domain. Or maybe this is me thinking he meant all of that while he meant something more simpler. Or possibly the reverse- something much deeper. In any case need to delve deeper into linguistics or psycholinguistics.

I also unknowingly asked mam a very loaded controversial or personal question, apparently

We were studying nature vs nurture and one example was intelligence so I asked mam "Do you believe in G factor or Spearman's multiple theory of intelligences?" And mam looked shocked and said "oh don't ask me such direct questions" and I didn't get an answer.

Mama: "Maybe your mam was not prepared for such question. She was teaching what your syllabus prescribe and you asked a out is syllabus question"

Because on the one hand we were talking about how we should be inclusive and everyone has different strengths abilities etc. Even I said that in response to a question. On the other hand there is more evidence in favour of g factor that says people talented in one domain are also likely to be good at other domains.

Or maybe you are right and she was just acting and she didn't know.

But she is a clinical psychologist, so hopefully not.

Something interesting happened today. The people from Infosys organized a presentation, and I actively participated by ranting about the rigidity of the Indian education system. Then a human-centered design expert asked us to come up with analogical examples in any discipline based on contradictory ideas. Our template was to go faster we must go slower, and we had 10 minutes to brainstorm. I raised my hand in one second and talked at length about how neural networks and AI are progressing rapidly, along with Moore's Law, and how we haven't solved the alignment and policy problems yet. We may hit singularity soon, and that could be disastrous for civilization. Therefore, if we go slower, it may be a better choice. The kids around me were staring at me dumbstruck, and one of them remarked that I shouldn't be in this college; I should be at IIT. They know nothing about my current career dilemma and future plans. That's telling.

Just a few moments later, T shared the idea of living in the present versus chasing the goal, which is also counterintuitive. The teacher said he wasn't sure how they were opposites. We hadn't even discussed this earlier, but I quickly explained that what he may have meant is that when we are constantly planning for the future, say, planning to maximize happiness, we don't live in the present. Studies have shown that this makes us less happy. So, in this way, if we focus on being happy and try to be happy, we are actually less likely to be happy than if we don't focus on being happy. T looked dumbstruck.

Oh, and I got a Kitkat. I must not forget to mention such an important thing.

Update: My brain just generated another example that fits the general principle. I just connected with this person on LinkedIn who has similar interests to mine, and I want to start a conversation fast, but it would be better to take it slow and go through all the information available on their profile page. That way, I can ask better questions related to their background and other information than if I go without reading up on it.

WOW this is mind-blowing, the effect external environment has subconsciously on my mood without even being aware of it. I woke up today feeling subjectively at peak mental health, different from other days, and only later consciously became aware of the fact that outside its kinda dark and rainy. It confirms my suspicions that id thrive in a cold dark rainy snowy environment like Scandinavia or somewhere..

People jumping ahead in line. Because they have batchmates in front. Or for no reason. Just like school. And just like school, I am not annoyed of it. Yes it'll take a few seconds of my precious time, but the alternative of facing them off would be even more time consuming. And I'm generally an agreeable person. I am learning to be tactfully confrontational and stand my ground when it has important consequences. But these small matters don't have a high priority on the list of things I care about.

And it just occurred to me. The similarity of the situation with standing firmly with your values or beliefs. I don't believe that anyone should cheat, and I myself don't like to cheat. And this line jumping thing is also a very small form of cheating. If you don't stop yourself here, it could escalate, and you'll find it easy to justify your actions when the stakes are larger. As seen in Arielys book on dishonesty.

It may be even that the people don't think about it much. They have no issue with it, and they don't stop to think how it could even matter. And other kids might see that it's socially acceptable to jump lines to go with batchmates and they won't face any repercussions, they see no immediate consequences. Or any inconsistences with their values, if they have any, or are aware of them.

And similarly it could be like the time in Nazi Germany when the people decided to blindly follow the ideology and mass genocide in support of the people belonging to their shared cultural and national identity. And it's only later that most of them realized what they have done, and how they got swept up in the heat of the moment. It could be their system 1 driving them, and the system 2 rationalizing their actions post hoc.

Maybe this is a slippery slope fallacy. Maybe not. But I got my food, and that's all that's gonna matter for the next five minutes till I finish it.

It was a nice ego boost hearing from the VC in front of my parents that I am far ahead of other students, very well read and have great plans, just different and cant be accommodate by current system. He also correctly deduced that I feel like that classes are wasting my time.

Seriously needs to be addressed. Some gifted kids are held back by outdated traditional redundant mindsets and preconceptions, while other kids (all of asian stereotype really) are pushed so so hard by their parents, and both cases are really damaging for both kinds of kids. Need to identify and nurture talent. Need to respect individual needs interests abilities aspirations, not the one size fits all system that everyone is forced to go through. Tailored individually to everyone. VC- don't neglect academics, other than that go above and beyond no one will hold you back.

Message I sent to a friend during that time relevant here:

College feels like a burden.

With the interesting projects I could work on, all the time spent on the outdated irrelevant topics. I don't think I can thrive in this traditional school environment.

I won't let the system hold me back.

I have exams on Monday and I haven't even started yet, because I am working on this project talking to people, and so far everyone has told me it's a great innovative idea. Today another person told me if I pitched in front of incubators I'd be the clear winner. It was good to receive such validation and really encouraging.

I don't even want the type of traditional career the unis prepare you for. I am aiming for something that doesn't exist yet. Something that combines research and entrepreneurship, and I have all these amazing ideas. Something that combines different disciplines and tackles some of the most long standing questions and most pressing societal issues using novel technology and current state of the art research. I absolutely won't let my age or credentials be a hurdle in the way of achieving my ambitions.

PS: My parents are gonna disown me if they read this message. You don't need to reply. Just wanted to share with someone who might be able to understand.

if I drop, even disregarding the lost time to counter the sunk cost fallacy, there's the issue of all the time till Fall 2024, which is dangerously close to the time when all my old school classmates would be already very close to graduating from college.

If I decide to apply as a freshman towards the end of this year for the Fall of the next year, I'll have to quit planning for my transfer applications which have a March deadline.

Pros: more likely to get into a good institution and receive financial aid.

Plus if I drop out I'll have much more time for my projects that could also help me build my profile till the end of the year.

Cons: I'll have spent (wasted, according to my parents) another year without seriously starting my undergraduate studies. So the time plus the fees.

Which of course must be evaluated against with the opportunity cost of all the advantages of studying in an institution in the States.

Best case scenario: I apply for transfer and get into a t25 with generous financial aid, but that's more likely (even if still improbable) if I drop and focus on my profile and projects.

Worst case scenario: I drop out and don't get into any of the colleges I apply to next year and this way complete about three years without settling in a ug degree.

Such a scenario would be capable of dealing a huge blow to my motivation and newfound confidence in my abilities, and I won't be able to feel somewhat deserving of the backlash I'd receive from my parents, whatever the flaws of the system that doesn't allow such students to flourish or whatever.

Once again I'm trying to make a rational decision by evaluating my alternatives, and make a calculated risk with eyes wide open to all the possible scenarios, so even if things don't turn out as expected, I don't regret it because a decision is judged by all the information I had at the time I made it, and it would be a good decision regardless of the outcome, which is influenced by several external factors out of my direct control.

Though I admit it'd be hard to justify such a decision if I face something similar to the last scenario.

Once again I don't need you to reply. Just sharing my thoughts to someone who might understand and also because I've discovered that talking to others forces me to gather my scattered thoughts and present them in a coherent manner, and sometimes even gives me new ideas while I do so.

But still I'd like to know if you have any comments, as you're more mathematically inclined than me and may provide me with a perspective I haven't considered yet, or something important I left out while evaluating my alternatives.

It doesn't help that my birthday is approaching soon and the mid-life existential crisis is soon going to get a lot worse.

I also still haven't completed my market research for the startup and started working on research with the researchers I'm going to meet soon, so if any of that doesn't work out it's gonna be a huge loss of time.

Upsides: As I mentioned earlier, I can't keep doing this here, I can clearly sense that this environment is not suitable for me growth and I'd rather take the risk rather than continue doing what I am doing.

So after evaluating all the pros and cons, it ultimately cones down to your intuition, risk-taking ability and trade-offs you're willing to make, depending on your values and priorities. I really wish that these things could be formalized in a logical language but unfortunately they can't. Hopefully in the near future.

I'm currently thinking that it'd be a bad decision and overall not worth the risk to drop so soon, but I'm also not sure if I'm willing to endure this for a prolonged time and face the risk of decreased chances of getting into a good institution abroad by giving up the option to apply at a later point of time.

I also don't have the liberty to need to take my time and make the decision later, because either I work on the transfer essays, or I don't.

It's situations like these when I wish I had that perfectly rational AI system that I am planning to start working on that uses all the principles of Rationality and decision science in a mathematical form to work out the most optimal decision in any situation but that'll take a fair amount of time.

Reminder: Don't feel obliged to reply, I'm just bouncing off ideas. Though I think that you already know this and you are the sort of person who won't anyway just reply due to any false sense of obligation, and say only if you have something important to say and feel like sharing it. But I did feel obliged to let you know that you're not obliged to reply, so I did.

The following incident. Haha. That was an interesting one. I hope that no one is reading till this point and if they are please remember, honesty wasn't one of my core values till then, I had not realized it was, and I was still recovering from the state of depression and trying to make sense of this new environment I was thrown into. I didn't even know I have autism. So I did that my logic dictated, so don't take the following as an indicator that I am dishonest, but just that I had not yet figured out my values and the logical reasons for me to like honesty, and so I was just able to do whatever I liked with my ability to rationalize based on my preferences using my logical and linguistic skills- I wasn't even consciously aware of rationalization at that time. It does indicate that I have the ability to override anything with logic, and also that now that I have logically figured out my values and morals, I believe I'm more likely to stay true to them as unlike others, it's not entirely driven just by emotions, blind faith or intuition.

This might be the only one time in my whole life of 19 years when I have deliberately been not-perfectly-honest with anyone, but still a calculated decision, so perfectly rational, and very low stakes and the things I learned about my self is a greater reward than the worst case scenario, now that I reflect back on it, it was a good decision at that time, considering the information I have available at the time and my mental state, not trying to project my current moral and mental standards to my past self, something that many seemingly intelligent people seem to do while talking about anything History.

My response to an unknown girl who contacted me on insta and asked me to ask some third yr if she is in a relationship-

"The response was not in the affirmative. The response was negative. The situation you described in your question is not true.

I didn't tell them who asked, I won't tell you who told me, it definitely wasn't any of my third year contacts mentioned above, and the answer may be unreliable but I just told you as it is.

Now you complete your half of the deal and left me the one crore payment behind the trees in front of the university gate, and this convo never happened and we don't know each other and I hope we never meet again. Good luck.

In case not clear, just to be sure, he last paragraph was a joke. But yeah I seriously hope you don't ask me any such questions after this. You're welcome."

Okay so. I don't lie. But this time I did, and it was a calculated decision. Allow me to explain.

She asked me to ask some senior but not mention our convo. But I don't ask people such questions, I don't know any senior I could ask such a question to, I don't have the time and frankly I don't care.

And then I realized that I could just tell her anything and she'd have no way to verify it. So basically like the hypothetical would you lie if not caught. But with the important different that no one is being harmed.

I didn't lie right away. I decided that after some time if she asks once again, it'd mean she really really wants to know, and the cost of keeping her under the uncertainty is prolly greater than the dissatisfaction shed get if she found my info was unreliable. At least shed get an answer.

Shed also have no way to blame me or find out I lied anyway. If it was unreliable it could be the imaginary person who told me this, I'm not involved. Moreover I didn't wanna be perceived as a coward by this unknown person who I'm not even gonna meet again.

But still that is that thing; there are all these reasons above and I'm not even gonna meet her again. My logical reasons would allow me to lie with no cognitive dissonance with my values of rationality or causing unnecessary suffering. And I don't think I caused her any harm, on the contrary I think I cleared her uncertainty anxiety and made her feel better. Good for everyone involved. Positive sum game. Case closed.

Met the vice chancellor today, very helpful in trying to convince my parents. Said that I'm already well-read and far ahead of my peers, and I have a clear plan which is impressive, and it is different but not wrong, as papa was saying. He said it's the current education system in the country that has all these unreasonable restrictions, but if I were to study somewhere in the West for instance, I'd be allowed to even get a PhD at this age with no restrictions.

It helped that the VC told that to mama and papa, who now cannot easily refute his arguments him being such an accomplished and influential academic. I was also impressed by how he correctly inferred that I think the classes are holding me back and wasting my time.

He told me that no one is discouraging me, but I need to fulfil a certain set of minimum requirements to satisfy societal and admin expectations, and above and beyond that I can do whatever I wish and no one would limit how high I can fly.

Papa incorrectly took this to mean that he was saying the classes are not a waste of time, but I was just trying to explain how he never really said that; he just said that you have to fulfil societal expectations and the current system's requirements, not whether or not it is a waste of time. It might be a waste of time, it might not, and being the VC he wisely chose to not explicitly share his opinion on this issue. I don't think papa understood but such a minor point doesn't really matter.

Anyway, it was a much needed boost to my self-confidence and self-esteem, and further increased my confidence in my ability to execute the ambitious goals I have set out to achieve, which by the way I still haven't completely explained to you, maybe after I come tomorrow and we meet, only if you wish to learn more. He said my plan of action is a clear and good one, and I have received the same advice also about my motivation and preparation from many other researchers, so it is now exceedingly unlikely that what I'm doing is not a good decision.

Papa mama still have their doubts, but I have reasons for everything, I have taken into account everything I could think of, so let's see..

yesterday was the best and worst in the past few moths for me. Id like to first say that I'm pretty stoic, not easily give in to emotions and dont like to display too much of it. But I was so enthusiastic and excited talking to V and after that S, and was so happy to find out same interests someone has and is actually doing research on it rationality ea. and ai alignment policy.

Then I called mama and even after warning her not to spoil my good mood she started yelling and this time said some words that may have triggered something in me and I started crying and then took a few minutes to cool down.

All throughout this I knew its irrational to act like this, unless this crying is unnecessary to release some emotions and good for mental health, and I stayed in control of my rational mind. I also acknowledged that its an involuntary action and Im still not shaken in my motivation.

I was also back to normal withing a few minutes, and that surprised me. I wasn't quite at the level of emotional resilience and stoicism i wanted to be at, but I also didn't fail to notice that it was a drastic improvement since before.

It'd also bee a while since I cried Im this way. Id only cried on listening to violin and piano pieces last few weeks, not sad. Been several months actually. Not just this incident, the loneliness, despite being surrounded by so many people, the crushing loneliness and hopelessness that the lack of support meant it would be harder for me to accomplish my goals, but I won't let this stop me, yet it was a very bad mental state, very undesirable state of suffering, negative emotions, I hate my brain for being capable of making me experience such mental states. I might also hate society for having such a rigid and unaccommodating education system but it's also my brain, it's always the brain. I need time to re-evaluate my life choices and future priorities.

Psych class really active today too.

We were learning about reproduction and conception, so you can make a fairly accurate guess as to what came to my mind when my mom announced there was a homework assignment for the new year holiday. However, it turned out to be something even worse than the hands-on experimental learning project I had expected. Essentially, she asked us to inquire of our parents why they brought us into this world and how they did it, as if we didn't already know how babies are made. And what if the truth is that they simply succumbed to their strong sexual desires and hormones and made a mistake while fooling around when they were young? But they cannot admit that because they have a conscience, so instead, they have to come up with an elaborate explanation to rationalize the reason they had you as if they had planned well in advance. No, this message isn't relevant to Indian society. Nevermind.

Thrice in one day ppl asked me to change my seat. I have no problem really, it's just that this took me back to the school days when this used to happen so damn frequently and nade me feel inadequate and unlikeable because no one ever wanted to sit with me, changed seats to sit with me, or asked me to change seats to sit with them.

Now I know better than to waste my valuable time thinking about such stuff and attach much importance to how others perceive me. I know now that I am in some way different than others. Not good or worse, just different. And I need to find my kind of people.

I don't even like them too much in the sense that I'd want to be their friends. It's just that I say they're okay and good friends but not like they're my kind of ppl. I don't even have any reason to be jealous. And I don't feel cognitive dissonance by saying so because saying they're nice is inconsequential in this case, and I am aware of my preferences so it doesn't matter. And love is just a huge waste of time anyway (says the nerd who's never been in a relationship).

Am I a lone wolf or a group person? Well, based on my experiences so far, I would say I am a lone wolf, but that's because of my experiences with the Indian education system where students are forced to work on a project against their will and are assigned to groups. I have had to carry them, push them forward, take all responsibility, and do all of their work, and yet they still receive credit. However, my answer would differ if the other person were actually motivated. My answer would depend on the person, their skillset, the project, the deadline, etc. In that case, I may choose a group to bounce off ideas and collaborate with someone interested in the same goal. But if told to choose one with no information based on snap thoughts, I would choose to be a lone wolf.

I'm currently trying to figure out my career path, and I've been considering economics and psychology. Initially, I thought I'd enjoy studying the decision-making models used by rational agents in economics, but I soon realized that I'm more interested in the neural and behavioral aspects of psychology.

I find myself more engaged in psychology classes, coming up with more insightful questions, and finding the content more intuitive than economics. To confirm my interests, I came up with a four-step plan:

First, I started reading textbooks and lectures. Second, I reached out to grad students and professors in my research interests, sending out around 300 emails and receiving about 50 replies from all over the world, including prestigious institutions such as IISc, IITs, IIITs, NIMHANS, Amherst, Yale, NYU, and LSE.

Third, I decided to try hands-on research to see if I genuinely enjoy the work or if I'm just fascinated by the idea of being a scientist. Commitment comes from interest, which is a stronger predictor of success than ability. If I don't enjoy the work, I can always pursue casual learning as a hobby.

Finally, to avoid confirmation bias, I decided to try economics research to see if I genuinely like the subject less than brain sciences. I also contacted people in the economics industry.

Many of my contacts complimented me on my preparation, saying that I seem motivated and knowledgeable for an undergrad. However, I explained that I did all of this to determine my true interests.

I even connected with a blogger on LinkedIn who suggested that a quantitative background would be useful as the field of psychology is moving towards a more computational approach. He applied to Ph.D. programs but didn't get in, and is now enjoying working in industry consulting, fintech, a blog, and a startup, where he can learn widely on his own and share on his blog.

I also talked to a fellow student who dropped out of IIT in his third year. He randomly called me one night after seeing my LinkedIn profile and asked me questions about rotational dynamics and radius of gyration, which I couldn't answer. However, we talked a lot about biases and AI. He said that BASE is not a good fit for someone like me, and that I would be better off somewhere else. He also advised me not to talk to too many people or I'll get confused. He said that every field is hard, but I should choose the one on which I am motivated to overcome the hard problems.

I'm afraid of becoming one of the kids who waste their time in their rooms, with no ambition or drive, just consuming mindless media and studying what the university teaches them. I want to be curious and surrounded by like-minded people who have the interest, motivation, drive, and confidence to reach out and hold intelligent conversations about their research interests.

I even contacted and planned out future pathways. I'm concerned that I may not be eligible or have the best resources for my interests, but I'm taking calculated risks and evaluating all pros and cons to make the best decision possible with the information available to me.

In my presentation about transfer to parents, I will include only that info which supports my argument, in favour of transfer. Yes I am aware this appears to be confirmation bias on the surface, but I am actually attempting to counter the bias my parents will have in favour of not letting me transfer, because they are unaware of cognitive biases and won't fully understand my POV, though I'll try my best to. Dam my brain seems to be good at rationalizing. But really I didn't fall prey to confirmation bias while collecting and analyzing the info. That's why I even added the step 4 of talking to econ ppl.

A:"Ooh I have heard of it - cognitive dissonance. True, there's hundreds of examples where people with privilege have more access to research and many more of who've stolen research."

My reply- Well, I have a comment on your point about stolen research. You must've heard the popular quote attributed to Picasso- “good artists borrow, great artists steal.” I used to think this is just a snarky remark but recently I have realized that it actually contains great wisdom.

Just think about it. All your ideas, beliefs, and thoughts are constantly influenced by, and many times directly borrowed from, other people's thoughts. We are interdependent on each other, and our previous generations.

The scientific process also works by building up on the discoveries and inventions of our predecessors, and improving on existing ideas. Artists recombine existing ideas in novel ways that excite us.

A common man is even more dependent on others because he doesn't have the time and/or resources to achieve expertise in any domain, so he depends on experts and whatever seeks reliable to him.

We may at times come up with a novel idea or thought, but it would also be built upon things already been created by others, and more frequently than not we discover ideas we like by learning from other's writings or teachings and eventually adopting those ideas as our own if they satisfy some criteria.

Another comment on people who are wealthy having better access to research- I am a strong proponent of free information for all and initiatives such as SciHub and Zlib and Preprinting Journals that are working on removing barriers to accessing research for common people. It's only when we enable everyone to be a part of the scientific process that we would be able to produce more innovative ideas. Another point is that such research is often funded by grants collected as taxes so it should be available to the taxpayers.

It's for this reason that I like people like Lex Fridman, Shankar Vedantam and Andrew Huberman who attempt to distribute legitimate scientific findings to everyone by simplifying it just enough to be comprehensible through their podcasts and youtube channels. Science is in dire need of some talented journalists and effective communicators with strong integrity. Most journalists just write inaccurate sensational headlines and clickbait articles with the sole purpose of keeping the reader's attention. It's gonna get even worse with the release of chatgpt and similar AI models. We need to learn to beware of fake news.

Yeah, I agree with you on the point that it's important to confront what causes you discomfort but enables you to grow. But I feel like it's more complicated than that. You should also know when to quit. When to listen to your intuitions. Have a realistic estimate of your abilities and interests.

Take for instance solving math problems. Yes, it's hard for everyone, except prodigies. But if you are really curious about understanding how it works, if you can intuitively feel the inherent beauty of math, and derive an actual sense of accomplishment from solving hard problems, then solving problems won't seem like work at all. On the other hand say a person who's inclined towards the fine arts and can't be a great mathematician, and more importantly, doesn't want to be a mathematician.

But he is forced to study math either by societal pressure or for hopes of financial stability. And he thinks yeah it's causing me discomfort but that's how humans grow. And he only does it despite the discomfort not realizing that the discomfort could be a sign to explore other disciplines and find his real calling, where he could feel more satisfied and realize his full potential. All the while not stopping his journey of self growth.

Peers telling me to get a GF if I want to survive, I laugh internally and listen to them seriously on the outside and play along and say hmm that sounds right thanks for the great advice! Haha. As if- I don't have anything better to do than getting a GF, and a GF would make life worth living. What?! Seriously? These people don't really know me very well.

These people who waste their time consuming mindless media and seem to have no interest in learning new topics and growing as a person. I have started thinking that they can't be blamed for their preferences. Tell me, if one kid derives the same pleasure from solving math problems as another who consumes mindless media, can the latter be blamed?

Yes, if they are made to see how they are wasting their precious time maybe they'd understand, but are we just going to ignore the essential natural intuitive component?

But yeah, I'm disappointed. I have just decided to not let them pull me down and just keep doing what I am doing. Eventually I will find my type of people. After all I found you. Not considering the fact that you're halfway across the world. But my species isn't that rare, is it?

I'll now tell you why I haven't watched any other anime. No, I don't think it's childish. I think it's a form of art, storytelling, just through a different medium. No better or worse than cartoons, sitcoms or fiction.

As to the reason why i don't watch it, I have this obsession with being productive and not overindulging in activities that don't contribute to my goals. Yes, it's good to relax every now and then and play games and watch movies and tv shows, but I am not comfortable with the time commitment it involves, and more importantly I constantly feel guilty for not utilizing my time in a better way; I'm not able to enjoy it much and feel like I'd derive more satisfaction by doing something else, hence I don't do any of the activities I just mentioned.

I hope you don't feel like I'm oversharing, and I hope that made sense.

That said, I do watch things like Dahmer and Rick and Morty once a month or so. Nowadays I'm a little busy but I'll make some time for it later.

I am trying to strike a balance, find that golden mean between the extremes. If you always chase your goals you'll soon forget to enjoy the journey, the most important component of the whole process, and never be satisfied with what you achieve.

So I guess it's about choosing your goals wisely and knowing when and how much to pursue it. I'm still mostly exploring, but I happen to not be okay with not having a goal or at least an action plan at all, so I'm just trying stuff and hoping it all starts making sense with time.

I'M TERRIFIED of one day turning into someone like this kid who lies on the hostel room bed most of the time consuming mindless media with stupid laughter tracks and shouting and idk I can't imagine it being anything he's learning from. Also this roommate who said he's feeling old cuz mam told us to prep a little lit review on a topic and not aware of all the opportunities that would present themselves to him if just tried. Then it occurs to me that he just may not be inclined in that way, may feel no compulsion to do something ambitious like I do. And I should not blame him for it, and I am by no means suggesting that my intuitions are morally superior in any way. Not at all. In fact if my aptitude isn't up to the mark with my interests, the no ambition intuition feelings may be a better way to be happy with lower expectations. But the point is i cant settle, I despise mediocrity, even though I know it's fine to be mediocre, I can not live without trying to achieve my ambitions. Things need to change.

I'm terrified of turning into such a person with no drive whatsoever. A mindless zombie consuming other peoples thoughts and ideas without any reflection on its relevance or importance to my future goals whatsoever. But then it also occurs to me that if I was such a person Id feel no repulsion towards being like that, I wouldn't probably even noticed somethings wrong. Id be at peace with myself. This terrified my present self, and I crave desire need want some like minded people for flamingo's sake I need better company goddammit i don't understand these ppl and they wont understand me and time is running out om already freaking18 turning 19 in a month ohgod- metaphorical- I don't wanna adapt to such company please no... I don't believe my way of doing things is better but I want like minded company..

My response to one of the senior year students who studied in the same university to this blog he posted in the university group

https://thonktank.substack.com/p/inventions-aspirations-and-urinals :

"Interesting post. I'd like to share some comments. I especially like the part about how some people are predisposed to live a simple life at a time when society rewards setting ambitious goals which often lead to unrealistic expectations and dissatisfaction resulting from either burnout or being a part of a never ending rat race on a hedonic treadmill.

That's not to say that goals are not important. Quite the contrary. In my opinion it's one of the primary things that makes life worth living. Striving to achieve a situation better than the one you are in the present; constantly learning and growing as a human. Having something to look forward to.

But just like everything, too much of it could be unhealthy. And that's a very tricky but essential question every one of us should ask ourselves.

You put it well when you write "how do we know what the limit is? How do we know when we've gone too far? Not just for us but for other people in our lives and the world around us. That's something we have to answer for ourselves."

But then you write "Maybe the answer lies somewhere in the middle. Maybe we should aspire to be better and be content with what we have." I disagree, for the reasons mentioned above. If you don't try to be better, you won't be able to grow and get better than your past self.

In my opinion, a better solution solution would be to set ambitious goals and try to push your limits as much as possible, and then detach yourself from the results because the results are influenced by external factors out of your control. I'd encourage you to check out Stoic philosophy for a more complete and rigorous treatment of the topic.

But then there's the whole topic of understanding your true limits and natural abilities, which is a whole different beast and I'd like to not get into that here. That's something for Positive psychology to answer. But the most important lesson would probably be to enjoy the journey and as you put it at the end, "appreciate life's little things a little more".

And yes, I do realize I'm just commenting to a post written by AI, but you gave the inputs, made the edits and posted it on your blog so I'm assuming you agree with the ideas presented in the blogpost, and so my comment is also directed towards you.

It's also interesting to see the rapid pace of development in AI and how it's always proving wrong the people who confidently claim it won't be able to do a given task that they believe only humans have some special ability to perform. I enjoyed reading the article. Thanks for sharing."

"Yes you do talk to everyone BUT TRY TO INITIATE CONVERSATIONS."

I recently started university, moved to a different place. And it's been really well. I've been adapting better than I anticipated.

I am also much better are making friends and being open than I was in school, though I suspect still somewhat deficient in that regard.

But my desire to have new experiences and know about people usually overpowers my introversion.

I'm also learning the fine art of maintaining a balance between being assertive and agreeable. I consider myself agreeable for the most part, but now I've been engaging in healthy debates and learning how they lead to fruitful conversations and a common understanding. It helps that I find it easy to empathize with others.

Oh, and as you may have noticed by now, I have been very reserved till now for most of my life, so now I'm learning to be more open and talkative. So please let me know if my experimentation with being open feels like oversharing and makes you feel you feel uncomfortable.

My process of writing down these thoughts goes something like this. Often an idea occurs to me when I don't have access to any sort of notepad. Then I store the contents in my memory using mnemonics or letters or associations till I can access the notepads. Then I write them down for future reference. Often while writing them some ideas occur to me and the text turns out to be more elaborate than I intended to write. Sometimes I also my line of thought, but then remember that I forgot something, sone idea, without noting it down. Then my brain usually retrieves the idea from the depths of my unconscious memory or smth in a few minutes and I'm glad to have it back.

Bonus- why I decided to transfer:

I came in wanting to learn how perfectly rational agents make the most optimal decisions to achieve a goal with some given constraints, and because my parents believed that it's a doorway to lots of opportunities in industry, but upon starting the program I soon realized that 1) Economic theories are very unrealistic and don't resemble real world behaviour in any way, and 2) I'm much more active in my psychology elective class, ask more questions (that the teacher says is not apt for an introductory class), find the material more intuitive and interesting, and I realized that I'm more interested in understanding the brain and mind of real world humans.

But these were just my intuitions, and I should know better than blindly following my intuitions, having interests in rationality, decisions science and cognitive biases, so I came up with an action plan to rigorously and objectively test my intuitions in a way as close to scientific method as I can conceive of. 1) Read all the material from books, papers, online lectures, courses, sites, magazines, for both neuroscience and economics to negate the effect of confirmation bias and investigate both sides of the problem (I shouldn't transfer unless my interest in neuroscience is significantly greater than my interest in economics; it won't work even if my interest is equal for both subjects), 2) Reach out to researchers working in my area of interest, and also economics people in industry and academia for the reasons I mentioned above, and 3) Get involved in research. I have successfully executed 1) and 2) and learned a lot, but it's hard to accomplish 3) due to the reasons I'll mention here.

My university doesn't have an active research environment and faculty working on my areas of interest- cognitive or computational neuroscience or neuroeconomics or even social psychology or behavioural science- but I still asked them for advice on how to proceed. They were all very discouraging and told me to wait till my third or fourth year thanks to our outdated education system and their preconceived notions about what an undergraduate student should or shouldn't do. My parents were, and to an extent still are, strongly against this idea.

I wasn't convinced, and I couldn't just accept their advice, so I talked to more people from other parts of the world, and the advice I received was the exact opposite of what they told me here; they told me that I have a good amount of knowledge for a first-year student and I should get involved in research as early as possible. The problem is, here I couldn't find anyone willing to take me on even just to observe a research assistant working, though I did get some encouragement from some people.

Not to put anyone down, but it also doesn't help that the peer group here isn't exactly very motivated or curious about anything. And I guess these are the people my parents want me to be like. Anyway, I don't blame them for not having the motivation, because as we discussed today as in some of our earlier conversations, it has a significant natural component and they didn't choose to be this way, say, derive pleasure from doomscrolling social media or bingeing in tiktok videos instead of solving mathematics problems or working on startup projects.

Still I don't let myself be influenced by their actions, and I just do my thing. What if I occasionally get called eccentric or socially inept? I think those can be good things in some situations, and I have my own priorities. Some people may not be able to do that, which is one of the problems I am trying to solve with my project. I even talked to a professor and senior member of the academic committee at my university, and he said I'm the first person he's met at this college who seems to be actually interested in some topics, and suggested me to consider changing my major next academic session after I described my research interests to him, though he also shared the outdated ideas about who should do research.

Around the same time, I was approached by a person who runs an organization that connects professors with young students to help them develop their own research projects, though it's just for Kashmiri students and their target audience is usually kids from posh areas. He asked me to collaborate with him on a paper on the influence of AI on human decisions making, and I said he approached exactly the right person.

That was one week ago, and since then my brain has some up with some interesting ideas and connections between the fields of AI, human psychology and decision science. I could come up with the ideas, and he has the professors who could guide him on the process of submitting a paper to a journal. I've also found a few more similar opportunities after that, and this is how I'm going to show everyone that with enough motivation and with the right support, anyone can get involved in research at any age. Age is not, and should not, be a barrier for such things.

I decided that if I follow the evidence and use it to inform my decisions, I won't regret my decision later even if doesn't go as planned, because I made the decision with the information available at the time and making the best use of my cognitive abilities and keeping in mind my circumstances, and all the advice I received from accomplished researchers and graduate students, hotshots in their fields and working on cutting edge research at institutions like Amherst, Brown and Caltech who agreed to meet me because it was holiday time and I got lucky. How could I disregard their advice?

A task that seemed much harder than getting involved in and conducting actual research seemed to be the of convincing my parents that I want to change my major next academic session. First and foremost I made it clear that we would try to be as rational as possible, and I tried to explain that if they appeal to emotions or act irrationally, there would be no point in discussing this and such arguments won't be able to convince me, and if they want to change my mind they should use logical and reasonable arguments, as only logical arguments backed by empirical data would hold any weight as evidence for changing my mind.

I explained that one of the pillars of the scientific method and rationality is open-mindedness, that is your willingness to change your mind in light of any new evidence that disproves your previously held beliefs. If you don't decide what are the conditions under which you would be willing to update your priors and recalibrate your beliefs, it's futile to engage in any sort of productive discussion. If there's nothing that can change your mind, you have already violated the principle of open-mindedness (and the fact that epistemic certainty is impossible, as long as we're discussing normative theories about what I should do) and surrendered your rational self to your biases, and that's irrational.

On the other hand, if their intentions were to just to demotivate or discourage me without providing me with any good reasons, they should keep in mind that I didn't hesitate for a second sending mails and later talking to senior researchers who have received international recognition and accolades and made some great breakthroughs. Any argument they give must be consistent with what they told me, and too account for the appeal to authority fallacy, if they wish to tell me how they're wrong, it must be backed up with reliable evidence.

I explained how even though I'll have studied economics for an year, it would be a bad choice to continue with it because of learned helplessness and the sunk cost fallacy. I explained my research interests require a background in the physical, natural or life sciences, and how I can go into industry in biotech or quant finance after getting a doctorate in my fields of interests, but I can't conduct research in the sciences with an economics background. I said that the opportunity cost of studying economics is not worth the time I could spend on the topics that are more relevant to my future goals, and how the costs of continuing in the same program and university wouldn't be worth the benefits of studying a life science.

I also explained how I won't lose an year and the fees, as the university has implemented the National Education Policy 2022 from this year which would allow me to exit with a certificate in Economics at the end of an year, something that I'd be able to benefit from at any point of time if I decide to switch to industry. I'd also get a generous financial aid if I get into one of the top universities, and that itself would make it worth considering because I don't have any scholarship at my current university. And all this doesn't even take into account the exposure to diverse cultures, the research opportunities and facilities, peer group, better curriculum etc.

I am human, so I understand how we can be irrational at times, but it's hard to change someone's mind when they have already decided what they believe in. To be fair, humans do this all the time; we make decisions and behave according to our intuitions, and later try to explain it away by rationalizing our actions- our brain unconsciously comes up with reasons to explain our irrational behaviour, and we're not even aware of it.

I asked them to be more specific, and they told me that their main cause of concern is that it's not a good financial decision, so I told them how I asked this question to all the researchers and everyone told me that I'd be fine if I teach myself programming and data science skills, and also how I could go into quant finance later on if I wish to achieve financial stability, which is even more lucrative than the options available to me with a degree in economics, a subject I'm not as interested in. Then they reverted back to using emotions and other rationalizations, and so it went on.

To the problem about wasting time, I also told them how I talked to one of my seniors who's 25 and still pursuing his passion by joining Economics after a Btech, that too from one of the Indian Institutes of Technology. It's how your frame it, because it's true that I could have decided what I want to do much earlier, but if you take the big-picture view, I'm still 18 and there is still time to determine my true interests and decide what

~

From my post on Dahmer, something I felt must be included here as it's relevant to topics covered in this post:

Maybe it's confirmation bias, just like you see what you want to see, cherry picking data, p-hacking, not deliberate but just because it's on your mind, now I'm seeing it everywhere. Back when I was in hostel, I was called down by some seniors- I describe this incident in my post hostel journal- but in brief, I was uncharacteristically calm and indifferent and, I mean, I didn't want to offend anybody, but I think I was being too logical and said something that- I should probably not have said, because judging by everyone's reactions, I just burned someone really bad, as everyone reacts usually after a clever comeback that butchers a person, even though I didn't mean to, I just said it, and then he came towards me charging and for a second I thought it's going to end here and now, though for some reason- this still baffles me- I felt no fear at all.

But that senior was held back, and I apologized and said I had not malicious intent and I was just expressing my thoughts freely and I didn't mean to offend anyone but if I mistakenly hurt someone- again no fear, just because I dislike hurting someone emotionally or physically, the same as when my cousin snatched my notepad once- another incident I describe in another post- and I felt indescribable rage and then I- it was hard to control but I stayed back, did the right thing, as he is not the thinking type, the more tank physically dominating type, doesn't think too deeply and isn't open-minded. And what's even more interesting: the same senior later called me to a room at night alone and said something eerily similar to "I don't like it kid" (remember that scene from Dahmer, shortly before he was bludgeoned to death by the same person?) and that he doesn't like this attitude and it could get me in trouble with other seniors. I didn't argue of course, just nodded and went back. Just like Dahmer seemed to do in prison, annoying inmates, I don't know if he did it deliberately or if he was just "passing time" as he said, and if he didn't feel any fear; it's unlikely he felt any fear; psychopaths usually don't. I'm not one, by the way, though there are traits that I seem to have in common, I'm not impulsive, don't feel the need to manipulate or deceive, and don't derive pleasure from watching other sentient beings suffer, in fact I feel depressed knowing that I exist in a world where possibly sentient beings are suffering and no one- even neurotypicals, especially neurotypicals- seems to care, not trying to help those less fortunate than them. Hence my ongoing projects, which I describe in another post.

A person from the old institution just sent me a message: "dinner?"

I said "hm what?" and she said "have you had dinner?" and--

My reply: oh. Not yet. So obvious yet No one really asks me such questions except my mom when I was living in the hostel so I was thinking like- is this actually my mom in in disguise playing a prank with me- fake number and all- to see how I interact with girls or something who slipped up and is calling me for dinner again (she calls me for dinner and I am usually working or reading and I only go when I suspect I'm in mortal danger), or-- is she a cannibal or something, asking to have me for dinner? Or asking if I'm a cannibal? (I'd been watching the Dahmer series so my brain has been like that for the last few days lol) or maybe asking me about the philosophical significance of dinner and why dinner is called "dinner" and why dinner is not called "lunch" and if it's got anything to do with how the time--- how it's got with how we think about time and how our culture thinks about time and day and night and how we call it dinner but dinner is a western concept and English's word and if the words have any correlation with- you get the point right.

Reply: "Your brain is working like a machine yo"

Me: "That's because I am a machine yo"

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1SFW4acfj4wze9ZRnWAPYvWSr7cIrYSNmR0lifSldpW4/edit?usp=sharing

Bonus: Collection of selected Instagram memes that I'll update later with more stories (sort by last modified and start from the end if order seems confusing): https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/1Yht7V0I4zyvX5s5j3y0T6ZnRlhbuyg1R?usp=sharing