Flowers for Algernon And Other Tales of Stoicism and Suffering

This post is in continuation to my post about Asperger's but can be read independently, though it discusses many similar topics revolving around what I thought to be disabilities and disorders that turned out to associated with the more positive traits related to Asperger's.

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This is a light-hearted short and fun post amidst all the lengthy and dense posts. Just kidding. But really, that's what I had planned before I changed my mind, so now it's actually one of my darker and more complex (but very simple in comparison to other posts; depends on several factors) posts that won't be too relatable, I'm afraid (and I hope, as you'll understand after reading it.) but it's not written to be relatable (like most of my posts; very few of my posts are relatable) or even to spread some insightful idea (unlike most of my posts; most of my posts are about ideas and interesting concepts I've learned and tried to explain with analogies and personal experiences.)

What this post is, though, is an interesting peek inside my chaotic mind and to understand my worldview (which most of my posts do anyway, but this one is skippable; no important lesson here, save your precious time.) I'm saying this cause when I make the mistake (not a mistake at the time I've made them, cause it was only after trying it that I learn it's a mistake and hence I must not repeat it again, which I didn't, until now on my blog, which is the reason it warrants such a preface.) people usually aren't even interested in listening (which has by the way been a recurring theme throughout my life, which is why now I'm kind of a socially isolated hermit now, and it's nice, but now that I know it's because of Asperger's, I will try to be more proactive because I need to, explained in another post.)

And even if they do listen they don't understand, and out of the few who do, most tell me to go get checked or something, that's if they themselves haven't first got to a stage where they actually need to be admitted to an asylum, if you know what I mean. And mind you. that's for stuff that's much more presentable- I don't know what to call it- and the norm of normally talk about, than this, which is why you have been warned in advance, rest is up to you. I don't even know why I'm writing such things on a blog, but here it goes.

Just to clarify a point I made earlier, it's not all without ideas, because I'm sure there are some valuable insights and lessons you can extract from this post, but I meant to say that the main purpose is not that, but simply writing about my personal experiences and expressing my mental experiences and thoughts that might be different and rare because I have conditions that are rare in the population, both positive and negative, though this series of posts concentrates on the negative side, (though you often can't really separate the positive from the neutral from the negative, and often what causes the most suffering is associated with hidden talents and desirable superpowers) because I realized that you can't talk about the positive and hide the negative, as there is already so much stigma towards mentally ill people and neurodivergent individuals, and it's important to have an open conversation about all the aspects of such conditions that are hard to understand by the neurotypical population.

Which is the purpose of this series: to allow you to experience the world from my perspective by using language to the best of my ability, and make you understand why the people such minority communities feel like they're made uncomfortable and often have to pretend and 'mask' and go to great lengths that causes great suffering. This post specifically might be misinterpreted in several ways, but I’ll make it clear from the start: I recently realized that it’s dangerous to talk about the bright side and leave out the dark side, and people should know about it all; how everything is a trade-off and even if you have high-functioning autism, how there are things that someone might not wish to live with, it’s personal preferences and priorities.

I am now much better and most of the things are now controllable even if existent, and it’s also important to keep in mind that many of the co-morbidities might be different in terms of frequency and intensity as autism is an umbrella term and there are a lot of individual differences among autistic people. You can’t group them all under one category, even though there are things that are mostly common, there is no single label of anything that you can assign to someone without having any outliers or anomalies. People also have different levels of ability to bear suffering and reframe it In an optimistic way, which is why some people lose almost everything and still thrive and accomplish admirable stuff yet it takes relatively very little to break another person, and we must try to have empathy for everyone, even those who are successful need to understand it’s chance and accident of birth and they’re not ‘better’ or ‘superior’ to their less fortunate and less privileged peers in an way and it’s their responsibility to help them. That’s a recurring theme throughout my posts.

Though I'll focus on my own personal experiences, and please keep in mind that it's not at all representative of all people who have autism or any of the conditions I mention, because there is a great deal of diversity and individual difference even among such people. Lastly, I request you to keep an open mind and take it as an exercise in training and cultivating empathy in yourself, and I hope it doesn't come off as a rant or vent, because even though in a certain sense it is exactly that, I would like you to think of it more like trying to step in the metaphorical shoes of someone who is telling their story. And that's what is it, a story.

Night time is peaceful and daytime I strongly dislike, and I describe this in my post on autism and might come to it later, but I'm being intentionally vague right now when I say that it's been hard in the past and occasionally still. And for now you have to trust me on this, though I shall go into the details towards the end.

I lie awake in pain, dreaming of the times when I'm without any ailments and suffering, I dream with eyes wide open wide awake trying to sleep because my mom has told me that night is supposed to be sleeping time because society is biased against night-owls even though it was the night owls who used to defend the tribes in early ages and even today some people's internal circadian rhythms and body clocks are tuned in a way that they feel energetic and happier during night- yes, I'm one of them-

But my mother is not one of them, and she grew up in a society at a time when it was the norm to accept that night is sleeping time as a fact and she didn't question it because they don't teach critical thinking in school, and this way society conditioned her to believe that it's some objective truth as if the universe is going to punish you and some imaginary human-like form- whatever she happens to believe in, definitely not the flying spaghetti monster, that I'm certain of- is going to sentence me to an eternity in hell or something, and she might use some scientific-sounding words that the body will resist against what nature has determined or something.

And I would have been convinced if I was a little more stupid than I currently am, just enough to not fall for such things, and I'm not necessarily saying she's wrong, just that she has no scientific evidence or papers to back up her claims, and she's inventing facts on the go in an attempt to make me conform to society's prevalent standards and traditional way of doing things that has never respected individual difference. This might have worked well in the past but now with our advanced in science and tech, it doesn't, for better or worse.

It's just like when mom invokes the holy scriptures to say that's how it was done by gods or ancient India and I try to explain she could be right but we need to test it with the scientific method to be sure and we can't make any such statements until we don't, and she's wary of the scientific method because it's a western concept and I'm not sure how serious she is or if she's just messing with me due to my obsession with logic and the scientific method, but I still try to explain that the scientific method is built on logic, nothing that requires blind faith..

Coming back to the night I'm not able to sleep- I do sleep and I have somewhat set my sleep cycle in accordance with society- now I don't mean to say that you're supposed to defy every norm and act like a contrarian and shun norms at every opportunity you get, not at all, that's irrational and you'll get yourself killed sooner or later. I just mean that we must question everything and practice scientific skepticism, try to understand why we do what we do, what's the best way to do it among the alternatives, why we believe in what we believe in, and so on, not taking anything at face value just because someone told us that's how it's done without any logical explanation or reason.

You should also conform if you are someone who has no problem with the norms and societal expectations. Who is inclined in a way to thrive in the current system. Which means that if society values engineers and you love engineering, you should do it. If society says sleep at night, and you're an early lark or morning person, then sleep at night peacefully without creating a fuss- you don't even need to question it, though it would help to develop your critical thinking skills so you don't go burn witches and exterminate a certain race when society tells you to, just because you've never defied it before.

This is the reason outliers and deviants from the norm, people who think differently, are so important, because they are the ones who bring reforms and establish ways of doing things that are the norm today yet when it was first done by someone for the first time, it was the unusual and unconventional thing, and it took time to people to realize that's a better way of doing things, until it was outdated and someone else invented a better system of doing things, and so on, history repeats itself, and people who think differently help people break free from established patterns of thought and behaviour, and make them realize that there is a better way of doing things, which is adopted and made the norm, and so on.

But if you're someone who needs to defy social norms that are preventing you from living according to your inclinations or predispositions, that go against how you wish to live and your personal preferences, and you find no good reason for it, then you should feel free to live how you want to live, because no one can tell you how to live and what to do. It took me a long time to realize this myself, as I describe in my posts about Asperger's.

Coming back to the nights- I do realize I've gone off tangent twice now, sorry not sorry, I'll make sure it will happen again- my mom does not understand and I can understand how she might feel helpless and that I'm at fault and that I don't exercise enough and go out in sunlight which is why I'm suffering from such ailments, and she gets heated but I try to stay polite unless I'm too ill and my working memory space is taken up in which case I may snap but soon apologize- it's just with mom that I might even lose temper for a second before regaining it but in the outside world I have never screamed at or abused or picked fights with anyone.

And it's also just with mom that I share all my thoughts and ideas till I suddenly realize- the hard way, again and again, I never learn this lesson- that she is not able to understand, and that she's not even interested, because it might be too mentally taxing, draining and exhausting for her, and she might be angry and scold me, and then I'm reminded of how it's been the same with my peers throughout my school life; no one is interested, and the few who do don't get it, and those who do tell me I'm crazy and don't talk to me.

This is why I turned to my notepad, which at least doesn't judge and listens, and now a blog, which is just the same as the notepad with the difference that I could hope and dream about the expected utility or potential upsides that I could get my sharing my ideas and thoughts, and experiences with others, and possibly find people who understand me or are at least interested in trying to listen and read and understand me.

This is how I turned this loneliness and inability to relate with others to my own advantage by finding a silver-lining and using it to my advantage by doing what I like and sharing my ideas, which might not reach to many people, because it's very possible that this blog is read to the few people I send links to and later even those give it up, which would actually be find cause it could be my little personal space for my ideas that would be open to everyone yet be a space where I can be myself, my true self, which I can't be around most people, even my parents, because they are not able to understand, so I have to pretend, and I feel very unfulfilled trying to be who I am not.

I remember this incident from around 5-6 years ago when I told my cousin how I think I have multiple personalities and I have different personas for home and school and around family members and around certain people, and I was so anxious and afraid and worried that I'm being "fake" and somehow doing something wrong, something that others know how to do but I'm too dumb to understand, or something like that.

(Now I laugh at my old self, how naïve and foolish, there is no 'self' and there is no 'faking' cause it's impossible to find your true self; it's an illusion as I explain in another post, as you need to stay constant with time and you need to be able to not observe your 'self' and you're constantly changing like the ship of Theseus, being controlled by external factors such as genes and environment. And faking is simply impossible, because if you feel the need to fake then that itself is an illness and an abnormality that needs to be treated because normal and healthy neurotypical people don't feel like faking anything.)

Now I know that I'm just different, and I have given up pretending and trying to fit in. It's called "masking" in autism community, and I relaized I'd given up masking even before I realized it's called masking. I go into more detail in my posts about Asperger's.

In brief, I have learned to embrace my differences and harness my strengths, and now I'm more at peace with myself, though I still have a long way to go, I have a clear path in mind now, (with flexibility to modify the path as and when required) and I am confident in my abilities and that there is nothing wrong with me, and I have a framework and algorithm to achieve my goals, and stay true to my values, cultivate the virtues that I prize, such as self-improvement and lifelong learning, among others.

Talking about myself, because I can only talk about myself- can't generalize it to everyone as it might be different for others- I was sort of unhappy and knew it's not me but you won't even be aware and it'd be hard to pinpoint what's off, and that makes sense considering that the 'self' is probably an illusion anyway (see my post unconditional love, some others forgetting the name of, will edit later) and so it makes no sense to say be yourself cause you're like the Ship of Theseus who might change with time, and you can't associate your self with any one idea or event or object; but it's also true that you have certain genes that incline you to be more happy and fulfilled when you act and behave in a certain way, and you would never know until you try putting yourself in new situations and trying new stuff.

You might keep trying to pretend and fit in, but eventually you will- not may, not might, will; I'm seldom so certain about anything as you might know, due to my belief in open-mindedness skepticism, and epistemic humility, and so you can give it appropriate weight (though of course I'm ready to change my mind in light of new evidence) when I say that sooner or later you'll came across your type of people, people you vibe with, as many like to say, and people you would feel more comfortable being yourself around, acting and behaving in ways and talking about topics that you might feel anxious or apprehensive around others, and those are the people you would want more of in your life; if you are around people who make you feel lonely, its better to be alone and be yourself, as I've learned the hard way and after a lot of pretending, and you will be much more fulfilled being yourself and also make it more likely to attract the sort of people who are similar to you and hence share your core values and those who would be more likely to be good friends or companions; add pav etc friendship blog, reference in aspie.

I can actually smell the pollution in the Delhi air, and everything seems like a pixelated low-quality version in strike contrast to the 4K like video quality in Bangalore, where I loved watching the sky, just standing and staring at the sunset and the wonderful blend of colours- orange, blue, pink, red, yellow- so mesmerizing and entrancing. It's unfair that large parts of the world are deprived of such wonderful sights of nature that incite a genuine sense of wonder for such natural phenomena and our place in the universe.

The doctor told me that most of my allergic and respiratory problems would simply disappear if I shifted to a cleaner place, and so that's just another reason for me added to my already long list of why I wish to leave the country-

meeting new people and understanding their worldview, exploring and learning about new cultures and exposure to diversity, strong aversion to sunlight, heat, dust and pollution, general dislike for the noisy and rowdy overly aggressive attitude and prevalent mindset, liking for mindless series, movies with too much action and violence and little thinking (I write about this in my Schopenhauer post series, how every hero is just always fighting and never resolving conflict through talking and everyone admires and emulates them, including young children.) and preference for

no offense, but that's how I perceive the culture and I'm trying my best through my posts and personally talking about empathy and compassion and how violence and aggression is never the solution, but then there's also scientific evidence that highly polluted areas that also have high temperatures and hot climate have more hot-headed people.

I always logically knew that Delhi is polluted and everything, even that the WHO report says inhaling such air is just like smoking 10 cigarettes a day, but I never quite understood it (system-1 intuitive understanding) until I experienced it, felt it myself in reality, got to know what clean air actually feels like, and I find it so frustrating and depressing not that I myself am going through this, I'm willing to go through and somewhat desensitized to suffering

(and to be honest, I don't care much about myself except the fact that I need to fulfil the bare minimum criteria for self-care in order to help others, which I'm trying my best to do, cause I devote too much time to reading and writing and too little time to myself; my mom scolds me for this exact reason, and I hate to admit that she's right.), but what bothers me is that there are people greatly suffering cause of this pollution and there are babies and new-borns and young kids-

Kids who are not just developing respiratory issues but also lower IQs and thinking skills including executive functions (there is scientific evidence) and so it's once again the underprivileged and the unfortunate people who happen to be born in such areas- polluted areas where no humane and compassionate society ought to be fine with sentient beings living in everyday, suffering, yet it's seen as so normal and acceptable for some reason- who suffer due to the actions of the few privileged who live in cleaner areas with a greater quality of life, and that's another point in favour of the great exciting world, so full of joy and happiness, what an amazing society we live in!

I've been going from doctor to doctor because of a persistent tingling sensation in my leg that caused pure suffering. I never want anyone to experience anything like that. There were nights when I couldn't breathe or sleep due to chest congestion, throat infection, and mucus. The way it made me feel was almost as terrible as having my whole body covered in mucus-filled blisters that were wet, slimy, and oozing with pus with no escape. On days when I felt like escaping out of my body, I tried homoeopathic and pseudoscientific remedies, but they didn't work. I couldn't even wear clothes because they would stick to my body, and I would feel sick just remembering those days. The severe form of my condition baffled at least 30 doctors in Delhi and Chandigarh, including the head director, but a new medication somewhat worked. It's now resurfacing, but it's manageable, and it's not as terrible. If people look closely, they may comment on it, but it's much better to hide.

When it was all over, I experienced anxiety and depression. I had to wait for a long time and attempted suicide by banging my head, but I was too cowardly to try any other means. I was afraid of what was going to happen. Yet, the days were too unbearable, depressing, and lonely. I cried randomly, and loneliness was a big one. I just wanted a good friend, but I felt like I was faking it. Now I can clearly see that it was silly. The amount of suffering I experienced could not have been manifested by faking it, and it would have been impossible for me to pretend to bang my head so many times so hard that it still hurts. I felt a soul-crushing, dreadful, overwhelming sense that I didn't deserve anything. For some reason, I used to say that a lot. It was a weird coping mechanism. I thought I was scum, a burden on my parents and the world, a dumb, stupid idiot who didn't deserve to be loved, and that I didn't deserve any friends. That's why I have none. I still think the lack of friends, in addition to autism, has something to do with my skin allergy. More on that later. It would have been much better if I just disappeared or never existed. I don't wish to enforce gender stereotypes, but it's kind of like those sigma male memes and statistical facts about how girls have a lower suicide attempt success rate, and boys usually are more successful.

I had a skin disease, and certain kids acted like jerks, making me feel unwanted. Even though it's non-communicable, these people somehow hated me and secretly loathed me. I felt like a pathetic human who didn't deserve to be loved. Those who acted nice were too polite and acted sympathetic, taking pity on me.

Algernon, the fact that I know my condition is so malleable and transient means that I try to make the best out of it for fear that I might lose it anytime. This fear pushes me, as it's the optimal kind of fear that is conducive to growth. More importantly, it means that these "immutable" traits and abilities that people say can't be considerably changed over a lifetime and remain constant, such as motivation and IQ, are actually more modifiable because it happened to me. However, I still can't say anything for sure because I'm just a biased subjective case study of one, and there might be other factors or variables responsible that I won't know until I learn more about it.

At the end, if you want me to be specific, I've been talking in vague abstractions, so it's going to get real dark from here on. Everything is going to seem like fantasy. Spare yourself the burden on your parents and the world. I have skin allergies that cause sticky pus to bubble up in my body, and homoeopathy is a pseudoscience. I take all kinds of medications prescribed by doctors, and even then, I disregard my own suffering due to the mental and emotional stress from my oversensitivity, protective parents, social anxiety, depression, and loneliness. Sometimes, I wonder if it's all worth it. The future is uncertain, and I often think about ending my life.

I have chest congestion, ADD, and sad disorder. The overwhelming depression and disorientation caused by sunlight make me feel hopeless. I live in one of the most polluted cities in the world, and the air pollution is affecting my respiratory and breathing health. My doctor suggests that I move somewhere with better air quality, but for some reason, my family doesn't want to leave this literal gas chamber. The remaining life expectancy of ten years is not worth living in this toxic environment. I can smell the pollution in the air, and my parents spend so much money on medicines for me. My entire life has been centered around medications, and it's even hard to write about it, but it's liberating to talk about it.

I feel like a worthless idiot who never made my parents proud. As an Aspie, I can't fit into social situations, and I was never a top performer academically. I know that the academic evaluation methods are flawed, and marks are not an accurate predictor of potential, but I still can't help feeling bad. More importantly, my parents don't think that way, and no matter how much I try to rationalize it, the outcome is always that I make them feel sad and cause them more suffering and trouble. Sometimes, I believe that if I hadn't existed at all, my parents and I would have been happier financially, emotionally, and mentally. They deny it, but that's only because they can't get rid of me now.

Air pollution is one of the reasons why I try to go abroad. I hope I get accepted somewhere with better educational systems and research opportunities, each of which deserves its own discussion. I shrink away from cigarette smoke, but it's hard to avoid it entirely when living in such an environment. External factors beyond my control determine the outcomes of my life, such as genes, empathy, environment, nature, and nurture. Even if I care that much about something, it's not always possible to get what I want.

Most of the things I mentioned here are now fixed, and the worst of my suffering is behind me now. Fortunately, I'm better now. My own father is confrontational, aggressive, and always picks fights. He always stands up for the right thing when no one else dares to, which I admire, and I try to do the same. However, I strongly dislike the way he does it because he antagonizes people and uses strong words when fewer and calmer words would do. He spoils everyone's mood, even though he's right. Anyone who is unbiased, calm, and not influenced by rhetoric and first impressions, and not trained in logic and fallacies, would think he's creating a fuss, and he's the wrong one.

Now I understand why people become cynical and misanthropic. The current state of society is so acceptable to everyone that people either distract themselves from it or take the easy way out. But this is not easy and takes a lot of courage. It's still much better than waking up every day and remembering the kind of universe and society we live in. I swear it's getting worse every day and I have to distract myself more and more with my writing and music now than ever before. I've never been this down without being depressed or suicidal, and I know I'm not depressed. I can articulate all the reasons very well, which helps greatly, and I'm doing it through this blog.

If you have the ability, motivation, morals, and desire to help those who suffer, you go all in and try to make people aware of it. Of course, it could be just rationalization. The world is much more complex and complicated than just one factor explaining everything. I don't think in such neat categories and overly simplistic mental models. I'm at least a more critical thinker than falling for such rookie mistakes.

I could be projecting my mood onto the state of society and the universe that controls all of us through our biology and society. Morals and values don't have any objective basis, and literally everything is subjective. Because my brain dislikes acting upon emotions, it's just giving me sound convincing logical reasons. But I'm also aware of such cognitive biases and am a better logician than that. Or maybe it's my own powers of rationalization that are explaining all this by trying to make it sound like I want something I don't want, and I'm making up these reasons to rationalize by using rationalizations in a self-referential meta manner, using rationalizations to rationalize my desires again. I can never be sure.

But the fact remains that my current theory is that the more you learn, the more complicated it gets. It's important to have the motivation, support, and mindset or outlook that could sustain you throughout your journey and enjoy it while it lasts. You can only try, and you try your best.

There’s more but due to reasons I explain in the meta-post, I’ll end it right here. I am going to leave out some of the darker aspects, of both my physical and mental health. Involving almost every sensory organ and cognitive ability that people associate with their self and seem to take for granted all the time. The fear of losing it all again, which not just pushes me to make the most out of it while it lasts, but also my belief that it is more malleable that we think, and the dreadful thought that there are many who are still suffering from this and disorders much worse. Physical ones are relatively easier to deal with, because the mental states crush you down to the core and leave no energy to even try to conceive of a more hopeful future, makes it almost impossible for you to function normally, let alone cultivate the values using traits that people never knew they are fortunate enough to have; it's like the rich who don't know what it's like to be poor, and so maybe some time educating themselves about the daily lives and realities of the poor would help cultivating more empathy.

I planned a longer post and more experiences, that others could learn from, in order to know it all, be grateful for what I notice people usually take for granted, and at least acknowledge that their suffering is nothing that they cannot come out of even stronger and better. How they can despite all suffering learn and grow, and reframe and extract lessons to not just improve themselves but also share their lessons with others so that they can learn from them and we all can unite and ensure that no one has to suffer in such a way again. Sometime in the near future maybe, if I'm in the mood, or have the time, or anyone is interested. End.