Confessions of a Chaotic Mind: A Psycho-logical Psychoanalysis

This post talks about some concepts described in greater detail in my post 'Objective is Subjective' so even though most of my posts are interconnected yet independent, I'd recommend you to read the post- it's a short one- to be better able to understand this one. There's also a little rant- or rather explaining the problem so we can solve it- about the education system somewhere in the middle that you would like if you care about the state of the education system in modern society. For similar posts, check out Logical Reasons to be Ethical and Friendship. New to this blog? Start here.

This is not the main content, just sort of a preface, if you need to give it a label, so feel free to skip ahead where there is a divide between sections, the distinction is clear if I have a realistic estimate of human cognition and perception; more accurately and precisely the ability of the average human being to detect a gap between sections separated by some tiny and short curvy zig-zag or similar lines.

I am growing more enamoured with death- not suicidal- but for the the expected, anticipated comfort I believe it could provide me with, allow me to experience, or more like the comfort in being.. nothing at all, feeling what it's like to feel nothing, cause it's just my current brain that's unable to comprehend this, but when there is no brain, there is no me, it would be fun, but I'm in no hurry, yet I'm prepared for whenever it comes, I'm ready.

Even now at almost 2 AM at night.. I am so sleepy and tired, but I can't sleep. And it's related to my Autism and all the abilities I've been gifted with, suffering from success. I'm being sarcastic. And I'm surprised that I'm able to be sarcastic in such a state. I have mentioned in other places how I'm fortunately less on the negative traits and higher on the gifted side, and also how I have suffered from physical and mental illnesses in the past but now it's manageable.

Here's the thing. It's getting less manageable now, and I'm afraid that it will get to a point that I am unable to comprehend language, let alone write as I'm writing now. I'm not exaggerating or overthinking, it has happened before, and it might happen again. I didn't want to write much about my suffering, but I have realized it's an integral and inseparable part of me, and if I have decided to document my thought processes and ideas, I might as well document the origin and motivation behind them, because it has shaped me into who I am, and if something unfortunate prevents me from carrying out my projects- such as the ones about eradicating evil and suffering, cultivating greater cognitive empathy and love for fellow beings, or understanding all external factors that influence our decisions-

Then I should at least document it all before I go out, so someone else could build upon it, though I doubt it anyone realizes it's importance at this time, which is why I'm more afraid of my ailments than I was before, and I also can't take the easy way out before ensuring that I see it through the end, but then again my brain is telling me it's irrational, as I'll shortly explain.

(Un)fortunately, what's now getting back to me is the physical part of illness, not the mental part (yet), and so I can continue with my writing and research activities and I already don't distract myself with tv or games or socializing or anything, and my mom constantly scolds me for staying on my laptop all day everyday, but she doesn't know, doesn't understand; no one gets it, which is why I'm lonely and isolated- I have tried- how much it matters to me because the only thing I attach my 'self' to is my ideas and thoughts that I'm trying to document day and night on this blog, because I know everything else is transient and malleable, more fragile than most people think, at least for me, because I have experienced states of consciousness and cognition as low as I wish no one ever does, and I would not be than be in a state as dreadful as that, which has been one of my primary motivators to help people who suffer.

(To play the devil's advocate myself for a second here and point out how I could be wrong: I realize that I am good at cognitive empathy but lacking in affective empathy, which means I can't feel the emotional affect or feeling of the experience as vividly as others however hard I try because that's how my brain works, though I'm trying my best, but as I said, I can't be certain until I experience an event myself.

So, here I talk about 'distractions' like tv and games and socialization, and until very recently I used to think it's personal preferences and you do you and I'll do what I like, no one is inferior or superior and there is no one correct way to do things, kind of like live and let live, and how a person who derives pleasure from solving mathematical equations is no different from the person who derives that same amount of pleasure playing video games, though one has more negative effects on the mind than others, but they seem to be the same in essence.

But now I have realized all the time wasted in such distractions is taking away time that could be put to use in building a better society, and I expand on this idea in great detail in my post series Schopenhauer on Mars, but combing back to the point about affective empathy, I have never experienced the joy of watching a movie that I like, most of them are boring and I feel like I'd rather ditch my brain and leave it to decompose than let it rot away like that, I used such language to describe how I actually feel about it, no offense to those who do, literally almost everyone on the planet, that is.

And I have similarly never experienced joy socializing. I have tried fitting in, pretending, still nothing works, something is off, I am never quite able to blend in, I'm made to feel even more lonely around people than I am when I'm alone, and likewise I say that love [romantic love, more specifically the hedonic and lust kind, that strikes during adolescence, not the other forms, which I believe every human should cultivate] is a huge distraction, a huge waste of time and just a plan of your selfish genes to propagate your genes, and distracts you from your goals and never leads to fulfilment and takes away precious time that could be used to eradicate suffering, but I have never fallen in love.

I have never felt loved [again, the romantic kind, though my parents do try to love me, but they don't get it, unable to understand] but I have this depiction of love that comes from reading some fictional works back when I used to read fiction and dabbled for a while in YA fiction, that love is what makes you love yourself, when reality is finally better than dreams, that transforms you blah blah and I think it's a waste of time and energy, physical, mental and emotional, but I would never know until I do, and I can't just wait for it to happen before I take my stance on this because I'm already isolated finding it hard to make friends, let alone love, I don't even care about love, so it's improbable that it would ever happen, hence it's all guesswork.)

I might write a bit about the interesting parts of it, kind of like a case-study on myself pretending to be an amateur psychologist or mental-health professional. It'd be like an autobiographical subjective account of a patient who has been through some fascinating stuff (for those who read it, not who experience it, kind of just like the patients described in Oliver Sack's books) and has a vocabulary and writing skills just good enough to capture the essence of the qualia or subjective mental states and experiences, for something that might be so rare that few survive it to describe it, or have the ability to describe it, or care enough or have the motivation to describe it well, that too from the perspective of the patient himself.

Yet it's clear that I've been planning too far ahead, and while it helps to be ambitious and not overthink, it also helps to be realistic and prioritize based on the productive time you think you have left, even if not, then preparing for the worst and staying ready for the worst case scenario is something I won't forgive myself for not doing because these are decision-making tools I've learned from stoic philosophy and personal experiences that I'd be foolish to not follow for such an important project,

There's also the coping mechanism of overworking and sleep deprivation, due to which I've not just grown apathetic and indifferent to things that I never knew I could grow apathetic to- cause I've already been free of shows and games, and you can't grow indifferent to something you've already been indifferent to for a long time- but not it's not anhedonia, cause I still love listening to piano music, reading and writing- but while doing these activities that put me in a state of flow, too precious (and just the right amount of distracting to fulfil the purpose of escapism) to snap back into reality which I have to when my body needs to sleep, but sleep's nice too, because in essence it's just a loss of consciousness, nothingness~

It seems to nice especially at moments when the days are especially hard and what everyone seems to have working so fine yet take for granted I have just enough to be barely surviving and getting by each day without losing hope, and a bit unavoidable jealousy on seeing how everyone is able to enjoy such things without even being aware of their gifts, both physical and mental, that they so frequently seem to overlook, and I'm being intentionally vague for now because I don't think anyone would enjoy the specifics, but here's the key takeaway: express gratitude for everything by meditating on how you would have suffered in it's absence.

It's tough with my own parents, who understandably don't realize what it's like. Not just autism, I've covered that in another blog post and even though tough it's a piece of cake in comparison to the aforementioned comorbidities that had been manageable until very recently, and quite a few of them are conditions that are much more rare than autism, which means that my parents tell me to take precautions at a level of self-care that I'm simply unable to carry out, because I simply don't care about myself that much, as long as I'm able to survive long enough to spread my ideas, though I have good reasons to not do even that.

But I do realize it might be hard to be parents of such a kid; when you are already so supportive of your kid, even though you had wanted a normal socializing gaming teen with lots of friends going to parties has a GF and you get a socially isolated and awkward Aspie who just likes reading and writing and has no interest in such things, yet they are supportive, and it'd be unrealistic to expect more of them, unless they had levels of cognitive empathy such as I do, which they don't, so I won't impose unreasonably high standards on them.

I know that I would have tried to be more understand and have more empathy, but that's cause I have autism and it's common to have such levels of empathy with it, but I can see they're already trying my best, and so am I, and I think my experiences are tied with my belief in conditional anti-natalism, which could be my subconscious brain's way of rationalizing based on my desires once again; something to investigate.

I'm not typing out all this like an idiot on the blog to indulge in self-pity of general sympathy, I hate those things, but to teach important lessons to those who might be reading this, and I'm going to do this with everything that involves suffering, just so the ones who happen to read it- I suspect very few- could learn to see the world from a different perspective and cultivate greater gratitude in their everyday lives, just get to experience the world through the lens of an Aspie whose linguistic ability is good enough to be able to capture his subjective experiences with his vocabulary in natural language coherently.

I am also writing this because it's not just me rambling incoherently, but because I am confident that there are ideas and insights that you could apply to your own life and live not just more rationally but also have more fun on the journey, because it's the journey that matters, not the destinations, and thinking in processes goes a long way; you set processes that you enjoy and create goals according to that so it doesn't matter if you achieve them, because you enjoy the process, the journey, and that's what matters.

I had thought at first to not write about such things, but then I realized: I have already restrained myself for years for the fear that I'm actually insane, but now I know I'm different. And I have never shared this with anyone who would be willing to listen. This is my personal blog, and anyone who is not interested could simply exit, so I can write whatever I want without fear of judgment because now I also care less about what others think about me, if it's not something constructive I could learn and improve from and too toxic to pay any of my limited and hence valuable time and attention to. Life is too short for stuff like that.

I'd also not be telling the full story and lying by omission (which I dislike due to one of my core virtues being honesty that I greatly value) if I didn't admit that I am using words to worsen the blow of fate- which I can see now is just random chance and determinism, for the most past if not all of it- as a coping mechanism because writing is therapeutic and because it's nice to think that a human could be reading this and trying to understand my worldview, and being understood and listened to is something that I've been greatly deprived of throughout my life, including all my school life.

So maybe making up for the damage done is futile, (there are studies that show how a short period of loneliness produces lasting changes in brain, and we're talking years here) but maybe I could prevent myself from spiraling down deeper into the abyss and closing myself into a shell once again by doing what I can, and even if no one reads it (I don't expect anyone to) the prospect of someone reading it, the non-zero probability, and the my imagination are good enough for me to keep myself going for now.

Maybe this is why I feel like helping those who suffer and trying to make them feel understood. I'm not even good enough to call myself an amateur psychologist, and I won't pretend to have even a fraction of expertise a person requires to be one, but I know that I am able to use words effectively enough and use my own experiences and little knowledge of basic psychology to talk to those- I've tried this a few times online- who seem to be highly depressed or suicidal, and even though I generally dislike too much interaction with other humans, (it's too mentally exhausting and emotionally draining) it's much more fulfilling to talk to someone who really needs it (and when most people usually abandon them) than when people are already healthy enough to have a lot of people to talk to anyway.

It's, in more than some ways, even more emotionally exhausting sometimes, but more rewarding, and I am aware that some of them must be just to act as parasites and feed of the sympathy of others, and I have even considered they might be p-zombies, so you can be sure when I say that I have done my due diligence and making a well-informed decision to the best of my abilities, constantly seeking new information to update my knowledge database and figure out how to help such people, but before that I need to be well enough to help myself first, which is just another reason I'm writing this vent or rant or whatever you wish to call it. If you're still reading, I'd like you to know that I greatly appreciate it.

I promise I'm just going to end this rant or vent and just create a separate post for lessons I've learned from suffering, if I must, but this one is titled confessions, and as you might have guessed it's something to do with rationalizations, and this is going to be just as dark but fun and informative. (blog post will have 'suffering' in the title)

But I'm also grateful- be it my brain's ability to rationalize, or the habit of finding a silver lining in everything to leverage it and use it to my own advantage, learning and extracting valuable lessons- for the suffering because it's bad, but all suffering is bad, but the important thing is it might be (can't say for certain, not reliable accurate objective scientific measures yet) just in the sweet spot and desirable range or the optimal amount that is conducive to human flourishing, Which means that as long as it doesn't get too much or interfere with my projects, it's probably just going to push me further, just like what fear is supposed to do before it gets too much and results in not being able to function normally.

I'll now talk about something related to abnormal psychology, though I just realized that literally my whole blog is something that is a product of my 'abnormal' brain, so it's like all my blog posts are about abnormal psychology, psychopathology and psychiatry, but now I'm going to talk about something that is a very interesting cognitive bias that I had heard of but recently realized how much I used to fall for it myself before I learned to be a bit more mindful, self-aware and develop some meta-cognitive strategies of my own to solve it and harness it, control it and guide it at my own will and use it to my own advantage.

It's a powerful tool, that influences very clever and intelligent people and has done throughout history, (and criminals too) so I'm glad I was able to control it before it causes me to do anything irrational- at least I like to think- and it might also relate with my linguistic ability, which I'm almost certain now from the external validation and feedback I have received, might be above-average, but I'm not sure if it's related.

So, here's the thing, I had it all in the first draft of this blog post, but then I realized I went off topic but yet a lot of valuable lessons that I needed to share, but then all of it in one blog post seemed too overwhelming and messy even to me, so I just created a separate post, a very short one, but that would allow you to understand this one better, and it's called 'objective is subjective' and I strongly recommend you to read it before resuming from this point onwards.

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I have talked about how my brain is good at rationalizing stuff that could harm me and others when I'm in the mood, so with that in mind, let's look at some interesting thoughts of mine that the brain has generated and that I try my best to detach my self from, and keep in mind that most of them might be irrational.

Let's just focus on a single problem for now, else it might get unintelligible and incoherent. I know I already go off tangent a lot and jump topics like crazy but this should be a sign that I'm capable of greater madness and chaos, and I don't wish to make this post any more unreadable and dense than it already is, so let's focus on social needs for now, more specifically my desire to be understood and my curiosity- because that's what it is for now, just curiosity, and I consider it a waste of time- behind what it might feel like to socialize, go to parties, enjoy talking and laughing about silly stuff, fall in love etc.

My brain tells me: even if my socially isolated self somehow manages to transform into an extroverted and charming social butterfly overnight- a big if- that would only solve a tiny fraction of the real problem, and it would be selfish to think that it would solve the whole problem. Now here's an analysis of my brain when it says this, before coming to the rest of the problem and how it thinks it might be solve-

I think that it's trying to make my already hopeless situation more hopeless and hence make me more pessimistic and depressed about the future, and lead my to irrational thoughts and behaviour, compel me to take steps to avoid it somehow, and there is one very particularly attractive solution to it-

which I obviously won't fall for because that's what society mistakenly thinks what cowards do but actually takes a lot of courage and resolve, and I think you know what I'm talking about, even better if you don't, but even if courageous it's usually irrational, and I might talk about this issue in more detail in a blog post revolving around this topic and related topics, such as euthanasia and immorality in all it's forms- symbolic, digital and biological.

It's of course guesswork cause I have not read more than introductory psychology textbooks and I'm in no way as knowledgeable as psychologists and psychiatrists though I'm sure that even they don't have objective and accurate ways of determining what the subconscious really desires, so my guess if obviously less accurate and they might be closer to truth, but it's fun playing an amateur psych here anyway, and trying to figure out what my own brain wants.

Coming back to my brain, it tries to convince me that there is no hope and lure me into potentially irrational behaviour. Now it's not necessarily irrational, because it might be right and trying to tell me something important, because in fact it is just giving me perfectly logical reasons that no one has been able to refute, but as always I'm open to counter-arguments and counterevidence and change my mind in light of new convincing evidence or reasons to do so.

It's also just giving me new thoughts such as how I'm so painfully average and mediocre (it knows that I'm afraid of mediocrity and even though I have great respect for those who are fine with being average and set low expectations, I myself am inclined in a way that I find setting ambitious goals fulfilling, and at least trying my best to not end up average, a condition of being that I have some negative associations with which I find dreadful and that is one of my worst fears, at par with intense suffering for a prolonged period of time, acting irrationally or illogically, losing my core values, or my cognitive abilities.

It tells me how I'm just another average and stupid teens who knows nothing (but I know I know nothing and I'm trying to learn, but system-1 does not know that language of logic, and that might be it's only weakness and folly, else it's powerful enough already, and I sometimes think how powerful it could be if I somehow internalized the principles of logic or directly manipulated by mind to think in such a way..) and in fact, I can hear it screaming at me right now for expressing it all so explicitly by putting it into words, because it's purpose is to make me feel more depressed (remember?) and it also seems to be aware of the well-known fact in psychology that writing down or talking about your feelings and emotions reduces their emotional weight and allows you to think more clearly and objectively.

But the rest of the problems- even if I magically do all that and fulfil all my social needs and desires, or somehow just tweak the desires directly in the brain to manipulate them and switch them off though that might be unhealthy as I discuss elsewhere, but imagine I get rid of it so I'm not bothered by such needs and desires anymore.

Then the problem is that there would be a lot of people just like me who are suffering from similar illnesses and disorders, and it'd be selfish to just help myself and be content, which is what most people do, which is a big reason society is messed up now, and which I confess has cross my own mind several times, but I refuse to give in to it, because that's so selfish, and I need to help others too.

Okay but what exactly are we talking about here? It's a theme common in many other posts of mine: external factors the influence your life and decisions in significant ways, such as genes and early environment that determine your cognitive abilities and personality traits, makes life more enjoyable for some and makes some suffer from disorders, disabilities and illnesses, and I won't get into detail because then I would be unable to stop myself from writing another book about it and that's not the purpose of this post,

but the essential idea is finding out how such factors influence our lives, how much of it is controllable, how we can control and should we? Is there a self free from all such factors, environmental and genetic? If yes, what is it and how to discover it? And if no, what are the societal implications in terms of determinism and criminology and neurolaw and the way we think and judge literally everything; and how could we manipulate these factors to bring about more desirable outcomes and ensure that the life that comes into existence does not suffer more than is optimal, and preferable be able to self-actualize and live a fulfilling life?

There's also the fact that you could have been born as anyone in any time in any society, and you would not want not to be helped if you were born as a beggar in a city populated by the rich and powerful, or a woman who is suspected to be a witch at a time when witches are burned, or a baby who is predicted to develop an incurable genetic disease and suffer greatly in the near future while he can do nothing about it. This is why I like Rawl's thought experiment Veil of Ignorance, and think it could be an ideal guide towards building a better society that is more humane and compassionate for everyone.

This obsession with eradicating suffering and feeling bad at the state of society also beings to my mind and interesting solution that I sometimes joke about- and I do intend it as a joke and with people who find dark humour acceptable- but sometimes I think if it could really be the best solution- not I think, my brain think, remember we're talking about reasons my brain gives to rationalize when I'm down on the bad days- and it involves painlessly with minimum suffering engineering and releasing a biohazard or anything that could wipe out the population and just erase all suffering at once.

If you think that's horrible and how can I think something like that- remember I don't and I already warned you it's my depressed brain and I'm smart enough to know that may not be the best course of actions and my morals are strong enough and also somewhat consistent with the prevalent ethical norms and standards, I like to think- but if you really do think so even after knowing this, then get this: I'm kidding, it was a joke, and my sense of humour happens to be different from yours, and laugh cause I'm so funny! ha ha ha! And by the way, if you are such a person, I request you to absolutely not read the next section.

In my post 'logical reasons to be ethical', I talk about something related, about how the universe is meaningless, everything is pointless, there are no absolute objective morals and values, nothing matters in the grand scheme of things, everyone is going to die at the end, you are also going to die soon, and you won't care about anything when you are close to your death, and nothing would matter to you when you're dead; cause nothing really matters, anyone can see, nothing really matters, to me.. (unexpected bohemian rhapsody)

But I'm not that nihilistic, I am more of a positive nihilist or existentialist, or rather to be more accurate, more like an absurdist. I believe that the universe is absurd and hilarious, and I talk about this in other posts- how you can use natural language and be more objective and scientific and talk and analyze daily events like a perfectly logical and rational alien or external observer who is studying humans,

and this way reignite your sense of joy and wonder about this fascinating and mysterious universe, and also play with the ambiguity of language as and when appropriate to express your thoughts using subjective value judgments and interpreting situations and reframing and not taking anything too seriously cause nothing is worth caring too much about..

I also believe that you create your own values and meaning, and do what you like, do what you are predisposed and inclined to enjoy doing, and that's consistent with my ideas related to Nietzsche's philosophy; you explore and try out stuff and discover your values, beliefs, interests, desires, and live rationally to maximize the probability of you achieving your desired outcome or goals, and living a fulfilling, which also involves not caring too much about anything or overthinking, because then you won't enjoy the journey,

but you do what you would find meaningful or what would make you happy, and what you would not regret when you look back on your life and think if you were able to try your best to be the sort of person you wanted to be, because trying is what matters, outcome is not under your control and hence you should not think too much about it.

I also discuss elsewhere, in addition to philosophical and thinking tools, how using various techniques everyone could enjoy their lives more and suffer less, by being more calm and less neurotic, because when you get rid of negative emotions that cause unnecessarily excessive suffering by manifesting itself in forms such as anger, hatred, depression, anxiety, jealousy, fear etc. you are not able to think straight and prone to acting irrational in a way that could harm you or others.

I discuss ways to emulate monk-like meditative states and some research that's being done to induce such states in hours through tech interventions in another post. I also likewise touch upon ways to be more rational and enhance your cognition to aid your rationality or 'wisdom' so you are able to make better decisions and thinking about the world in a way that is more in line with truth, closer to truth, and aligned with reality, so you're able to navigate your way the complex and chaotic world in a manner that you are at least able to avoid suffering and live life in a way that is not net-negative, even if not self-actualizing or transcending by enhancement, at least being free from unnecessary suffering.

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Dispelling a myth before going any further: intelligence is the sufficient on it's own to sail through life easily and achieve success in any domain you want. No, it's not sufficient on it's own, and that being 'wise' is equally, if not even more important than just raw intellect. I've talked about this in more detail elsewhere, but in brief you need a lot of other things to be wise or rational, whatever you wish to call it, and there are highly intelligent people who do very irrational and stupid stuff because they have the ability to justify it more easily. (Check out the Unabomber post and Schopenhauer series for some good real-life examples.)

This is the topic I'm going to focus on, but there are other aspects almost as, if not even more, important than raw intellect, and we're talking about rationalization. Or rather my personal experiences with and thoughts on rationalization.

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This is something that I write in one of my posts about Asperger's, and is relevant here: I talk about something very similar to Cognitive empathy in my post series 'Schopenhauer on Steroids' which I realized is also a great antidote to the sort of people who are easily influenced by ideologies and convincing pessimistic philosophies, something that usually pushes them on the edge and leads them to irrational behaviour. I was myself like that and still fight it occasionally, but I have realized that it's all about reframing and thinking about it in the right way.

It could push you off the edge and lead you to reject everything and everyone and do things that could make you infamous, or resist such temptations to achieve something greater and more noble that helps people less fortunate than you. It might sound confusing and abstract, but it's meant to; I'll explain this elsewhere, and it's also important to keep in mind that most people don't even read such philosophies, and even if they somehow come across it or are forced to read it, they don't think too deeply about it and are resistant to the sort of actions I'm talking about.

It's just those who are different and into these things who are also more likely to go wrong, and it could make or break their life, and also the people around them. This is also a reason I changed my mind about intelligence being the single more important factor for success; it's not, and there are things much more important than intelligence, because if you don't know how to control it and direct it, channel it in a productive manner to achieve goals aligned with the well-being of society and to help your fellow humans, then it would be much better to be a dumb ignorant fool than someone intelligent who misuses it. For a very nice real-life example, see my post analyzing the Unabomber.

I think this is an important point to understand because I myself fell for it once, and I have read biographies of people- Unabomber being one himself- who use such rationalizations to justify their irrational behaviour. When you read certain things, certain books, at a certain age, maybe like my own age, I'm 19 at the time of writing this, 18 (or maybe a bit younger) when I quit reading fiction and even non-fiction (dabbled in some YA fiction not Colleen but John Green, and when I was very young, Roald Dahl, R. L. Stine.) and started reading more of non fiction- no, not even non fiction, because I realized that non fiction oversimplifies stuff and most science writers use sensationalist clickbait content and are paid to keep and maintain your attention rather than educate~

so I naturally turned to classics- classic literature, fiction and philosophy- and textbooks, academic textbooks and YouTube lectures that actually educate, and non-fiction books by respected and reputed academics and researchers who know their stuff, and certain journalists who do les of the sensationalist stuff, though I have now quit even that and turned to research papers from reputed scientific journals, online essays such as those on Aeon, and original works of philosophy, though I still haven't read many of the original works, no time nowadays. Combing back on topic once again-

Some people are more receptive to and are easily influenced by such ideas (the Unabomber blog post explains this really well) because most students, even if exposed to such literature, be it Mein Kampf, Unabomber Manifesto, Communist Manifesto, Machiavelli's The Prince, Greene's Laws of Power, Being and Nothingness, This Spoke Zarathustra, would be amused at best and laugh and chuckle and it won't be anything that serious or dangerous. Some people, on the other hand, the more- I don't know if intelligent is the right word, more like- curious and inquisitive kind who don't obey authority without questioning each and every thing, why they do what they do, why they think what they think, what's the best way to do things, why do we have to do it this way and not any other way, and reasons behind everything-

Those are the students who might have great potential, not just positive, but also negative, and they require special attention from teachers and mentors, because when you go too deep into such works, or even if you don't read anything at all but constantly question and try to understand the world, you'd realize that the world is a very very cruel and unfair place, people suffer greatly, a few people control all everyone in ways they are not even aware of, society is structured in a way that is hard to bring about change, morals and values are subjective, nothing is absolute or objective, including ethics- that sort of thing, you get the idea.

And when this starts, they spiral down and the vicious cycle or feedback loop is set into motion that usually doesn't end well, for them and for those around them. I know this because I myself struggled with this not too long ago, and still fight with it more frequently that I'd like to admit, but I consider myself open-minded and emotionally mature enough to not commit to any ideology that sounds convincing, attach my 'self' to any one belief or idea, and detach myself and evaluate them before committing, because I am not easily influenced by ideas, but I like playing with them, and I greatly enjoy this since I have realized that you can use words and natural language to reframe and rationalize not just ideas involving subjective value judgments, but even things that people consider objective, and it's so fun but it's also so powerful that it's being used in all the wrong ways, and this is why I'm trying to make people aware of this and how they can use it to live better lives and help the less fortunate- posts like 'Objective is Subjective', 'Absurdism' and 'Nonverbal Communication and other Distractions' and I have a lot more to say but I'm already of off-topic, so coming back~

In schools, at least here- but talking to people from other countries I've realized that it's the same everywhere though some places are better at it than others and have better education systems and social institutions in general- you are not taught to think, you are not taught to question and internalize concepts and thinking tools and ways of thinking that could benefit you in life and prepare you to solve the complex real-life problems. I will just leave it at that and come back to the education system later.

As I was saying, if you consider yourself too easily influenced by convincing ideas or sensitive to radical thoughts and beliefs, then maybe reading Hitler or Unabomber is not a good idea. If you're depressed, then reading Sartre, Camus or Schopenhauer is probably a bad idea. I myself have experienced the destructive power of reading certain types of books and consuming certain kinds of information, and if you read too much of the wrong stuff at an age when you have an impressionable mind, stuff like Nietzsche or Camus, that's how people like Unabomber do what they do.

These books are informative and have lots of insights, but you must try to be cautious and very careful with these ideas cause I know sometimes it drives people to harm themselves and others, but if you're able to enjoy these ideas while staying self-aware and rational then it could be a source of great intellectual fulfilment. I actually think more people should read such books, because even keeping aside the loneliness, it gets hard to know if your lessons and interpretation is biased and if others have different lessons from the same text that you could learn from and compare your notes. I sometimes do this on online forums, and it's better than nothing, but it's not as good as having real people having in-depth discussions. University, hopefully, but I won't get my hopes up.

So coming back to Nietzsche and Schopenhauer for a moment, I myself had known that reality is probably not as nice as I think, (and I haven't even read a vast majority of their works) reality is actually not just depressing, with all the suffering- not just humans- and then you realize that nothing is objective and all the social norms and ways of acting and thinking that make no sense and the conditioning and irrational beliefs and behaviour and how difficult it is to change things- if they can't surrender and go with the flow, they get too pessimistic and even suicidal, and I was like that too~

But now I have come up with some great ideas of my own building on Nietzsche and Schopenhauer and many more ideas that I came up with based on my personal experiences and ideas I developed, then coming across ancient philosophers who happen to have very similar ideas to mind, and it gives me even more confidence in the merit of my ideas, because you can't think your ideas are completely nonsensical if old people considered to be intelligent and wise by everyone have something to say that supports your own ideas based on your personal experiences and observations, even taking into account a time period and society in which there wasn't as much scientific evidence to support those ideas, and slightly different terminologies, of course.

So people think that they could just go with the flow or completely give up, but I think that there are alternatives, and there is scope of reconciliation, because we can go with the flow (living rationally according to your values, discovering your inclinations) and eventually control the flow itself (external factors the influence life such as sociological and biological), and surrender when the time is right (when the probability of continuing doesn't outweigh the potential suffering, which is a topic that deserves it's own post).

It seems at such a time that you have discovered the true nature of reality and so you're absolutely right, which is why intelligence is not enough and you need to know how to direct it and live wisely or rationally, know that you can know nothing not just due to the epistemic uncertainty inherent to all of knowledge- that's also how science works- but also because your own brain has it's biological limitations and you're biased and rationalizing your own desires and intuitive preferences without even knowing it, and you can't be completely free of your brain and genes, which is why you should think and not fall for rigid beliefs and ideologies without applying your skepticism and being open-minded, especially when your actions could harm other people and cause unnecessary suffering.

I know that I'm being abstract and vague, but it's intentional and doesn't mean that I'm bluffing, but just that I am still writing and trying to put them all together in a coherent structure, using the right words to express the ideas, though almost all of my blog posts have been written as a stream of thoughts and in the moment writing without thinking too much about it, form or structure, just using the words that come to my mind, which is why most of my posts are so unstructured and I keep jumping from topic to topic, but still try my best to explain my ideas using my limited vocabulary and just-good-enough writing skills.

Coming back to the education system once again:

You are not taught to internalize concepts that really matter, in a way that sticks and allows you to realize how wonderful and fascinating the universe is, understand why you are learning what you are learning, how you are learning it, skills transferable to real-life situations, how disciplines relate to each other and to real-world situations and your personal experiences and why it's required going ahead in the future- none of that, absolutely none, at least in my experience. I'd love to hear from someone who has been educated in such a way.

You are not taught philosophy in my country at the school level, because you don't question what you are taught, there is very little time for teachers to teach, lots of nonsense that you need to rote memorize so you could regurgitate them in the flawed evaluation methods called exams that students have literally been conditioned to associate their ego and self-worth with and that their parents get down to violence cause they too believe that it's an accurate or reliable indicator of true ability or potential, and predictor of success (it's NOT).

There's this messed up system that has been in motion since the colonial era and was established to produce slaves, and even today you would get to see the slave mentality, people not caring about what they're taught, no genuine motivation, curiosity or interest (if you are fortunate to have it, it's crushed, and you can't survive if you don't crush it and you don't intend to pursue higher education abroad, cause it's the same in university too.)

All everyone cares about is marks and getting a good job. That's it. Nothing wrong with getting a job, of course, but that's like the only thing they want in life, like mindless automatons- sorry if I'm using words to express how things are in reality without sugarcoating, or at least how I perceive them, and anyone who disagrees is welcome to get in touch- who have been conditioned since birth to get involved in the rat-race that starts at an age so early that the kid is not even allowed to think because they don't yet have the mental faculties to think so deeply- and parental, peer and societal pressure gets them into the race that never really ends, and leads in dissatisfaction and make life in some ways similar to hell.

I'm not exaggerating here, if you're curious, look up 'Kota suicide rates' for suicide rates in a city that's the hub for coaching centers that have made it a business to prepare such kids- in the near future if things don't change I can imagine them stealing kids right after their births by convincing their parents that they'd get an edge in competitive exams if they start early, and sad thing is I'd be surprised if the parents were NOT convinced cause it's like the mindset level problem that would take time to fix, which is one of the reasons for the pessimism and state of reality as I talk about elsewhere, but we need to try our best anyway, because there is still a non-zero chance if we try as opposed to not even trying.

You are taught to get a job and pass exams, and so you never really question and wonder, don't even get the time, about why everything is the way it is, how it happens, why we act the way we do, why I'm doing what I'm doing and think what I'm thinking, none of it. In fact teachers would actively discourage you from asking questions, because as I said there is little time and if you try to actually understand and have fun with learning you won't memorize all those facts and formulas and you'll fail in the entrance exams and then you won't get that prestigious college everyone in society thinks is an even better place to be than heaven itself (go to hell, god, IITs FTW, the Indian Institutes of Technology. Right, society? probably not, cause people are also apparently too deep into religion such that they're willing to kill own fellow humans instead of talking it out, another depressing reality that I won't get into here.)

and you won't get that prestigious coveted software engineering job that you set you for life and if you don't get the job then your life is worthless it's over you're useless and a burden on your parents and you don't deserve to live- I'm not being dramatic, I desperately wish I were, but if you ask anyone in the society, it's true- and it's a pressure that breaks even those who are good at taking exams, forget those who are actually intelligent and have any potential, cause they're already too depressed cause everyone tells them they're dumb and their future is hopeless. Unless they happen to have high levels of confidence in their abilities, which such people usually don't- Dunning Kruger effect- which is why they need special attention.

You never even realize that the credentials are just a social construct and a useless piece of paper and how ridiculous it is to think that it could be something that could determine your worth or ability as a human, a simple piece of paper with some numbers, a complex human with a brain as different and unique, with all your abilities and interests- even if they have been stifled and you've been conditioned to not express them- and some people have told me in the past that some humans are simply not that able or interested in stuff, they can't achieve great things.

You are not taught to think, just memorize facts to pass exams, mostly stuff a computer can do much better than you, and in the real world that's exactly what's going to happen, so you need to learn how to augment your capabilities using computers, and how they work, and capitalize on your own strengths, and not even coming to the method.. I have some interesting ideas related to philosophy of education and pedagogy, for another post.

Then there's my father, a person who works hard, takes few leaves, is nearing his retirement, and still is at a rank much lower to people who are sitting up there giving him orders despite the fact that they have less skill, knowledge and experience, just because they were born into a family of a certain caste, and that's how it works in not just the government, but the whole education system, which is one of the primary reasons higher education is messed up. Reservation.

You don't get relative advantage for being poor, but for belonging to the right background. A person from a "backward" caste belonging to a rich family with power and wealth who fails is more likely to get in than a person who belongs to the general unreserved category, is poor, and also gets much better grades, and even if seats reserved for the caste are left vacant, the poor general category guy won't get it.

So my father still tries to persuade me to try for a civil services job, and so does my mother, keeping aside all the other reasons such as reservation, pay, and promotion based on time rather than merit, they tell me it's one of the best ways to help society. And I try to explain I have some ambitions and dreams to help society in a much more effective way, that no one else is working on, because I have these unique ideas that could help not just the Indian society but all of human society, and many people want to be IAS but I don't meet many people working on projects and research areas similar to mine.

And don't even get me started on my mother, a person who was able to get a seat into the competitive medical school at her time, was not allowed to attend because of the outdated backward mentality and preconceived traditional notions, the irrational belief that a girl can only be a teacher, and so she didn't become a doctor. Not just that, later she even received job offers from Japanese companies that- as she and other family members tell me- literally begged her to join them because she was really good with languages, but once again you can guess what happened; some nonsense like unmarried girls should not leave the country or something, due to which once again she could not utilize a golden opportunity that someone more open-minded would have given their soul for, considering the competition, state of society and wages at that time.

(Later went on to become an English teacher; Also my first English teacher who I am grateful for her decision to introduce me to books very early on, a hobby turned me into an avid reader such that I still love reading books and have been a bookworm since as long as I can remember.)

I try to explain, and I probably should not be as frustrated as I am when they don't understand, as that would be expecting too much of them. It's one of the reasons I started this blog; I very rarely meet anyone who is interested in my research interests and ambitions, able to understand and discuss ideas.

I have also thought about self-actualization and finally come up with a very interesting framework to discover our true inclinations and values, and it seems to work; I'll create a post about it soon. But the point that's relevant here is that everyone has potential; not necessarily to be ambitious, because there are people who like living peaceful lives with little complexity and change, don't like exerting themselves too much, and that's perfectly fine.

But here's the important thing: you don't get to choose. You are already predisposed in a way that you can only find out through exploration and experimentation, trying stuff out and seeing how you like it, and putting yourself in different situations and having novel experiences so you can get closer to discovering your true values, interests, desires, and beliefs, and get closer to living a life that you find fulfilling and don't regret when the time comes for it to end.

You can act as you wish, but you can't really control what you wish or desire, and you can only get free of influence and social conditioning and norms that are preventing you from living the sort of life that you want to. For a more detailed analysis of this idea, I'll release a new post soon, but in the meanwhile, do check out my series of posts titled 'Schopenhauer'; it's very closely related.

I don't consider myself intelligent despite some empirical evidence and external validation though nothing too concrete- but I've myself been a very average and struggled to get good grades at times when I was going through problems now I realize are related to Autism and some associated comorbidities, and I used to think I'm stupid and dumb and worthless, and the inferiority complex was soul-crushing and excruciating, yet fortunately I got the problems resolved and now realize that it was more of a failure of the education system that doesn't respect individual differences in abilities and interests and unaccommodating society rather than an indicator of my own ability or potential, which I've lately grown more confident in.

I talk about this in my posts about Asperger's, but for now let's return to the main topic. For a more detailed treatment of the education system, check out my post 'World's Most Selective University'.

~~~~~~

This is a paragraph that you read in the first section of this post, and now I shall elaborate on it because after reading the post it'd make more sense: But fortunately I'm self-aware enough to catch my mind when it does that, and my brain is more under my control now, which is why I even know about this, and I am able to harness this power responsibly now, which means not trying to justify what I want to desire, but what I think is the rational and wise thing to do, what is the correct thing for me to do, constantly seeking counterevidence and practicing critical thinking and healthy amounts of scientific skepticism, though unhealthy amount of skepticism won't hurt too. I will very shortly elaborate on this rationalization technique in the next section, which I have briefly touched upon in my blog post 'analysis paralysis and the free energy principle'.

And this is why I'm so hell-bent on trying to eradicate suffering for being who suffer, and especially humans who suffer from mental illnesses I have been through, and that I have developed some very effective philosophical and meta-cognitive strategies to avoid and control, and soon in the very near future also hopefully develop some technological, psychosurgical and pharmacological tools to help them even more effectively and efficiently, so it's something that just remains in history books, and while the future generations would never know such suffering, they don't need to.

Because despite what many people might say, I'm perfectly aware of the saying that suffering make humans flourish and Frankl's Logotherapy and Man's Search for Meaning and other similar philosophies such as Antifragility.

But what people don't understand it that there is a limit, there is an optimal amount of suffering above which it becomes counterproductive and turns into something that should never have existed in a human and compassionate society that loves it's fellow beings, something so unnecessarily excessive that it causes great amounts of mental pain and agony that not just affects a person mentally and emotionally but also manifests itself in physical symptoms till the being is completely crushed down to their metaphorical souls.

Which is why- I have done a whole cost-benefit analysis taking into account opportunity costs and best-worst case scenarios for every alternative with associated probabilities for this topic elsewhere in some other post- I have determined that it's the rational thing to eradicate all suffering, in all it's forms for all sentient beings on the planet, till we are able to determine the optimal amounts with a certain level of confidence and accuracy.

If you think differently and have read my cost-benefit analysis, please feel free to share your comments, I'd like to hear your point of view, but if you have not, and you also don't want to- which is perfectly understandable- but you know that you believe in kindness and compassion, and that hurting other people is wrong, then you should do just that, and in such a case where you don't wish to think too deeply, I'd encourage you to do so, but if not then just adopt this perspective because I have, and I have thought about this for months now, waking up at 3 AM at nights when my brain gives me some new insight I must incorporate into my existing belief system and recalibrate it in accordance with reality to being it closer to truth.

So I might be mistaken, but I've tried by best, and this is my current best solution to the problem of evil and suffering. I started writing because I know I could theorize about it forever, but now is the time for action, and you can't really wait when you know that there are people doomed to live lives of intense suffering and their loved ones can do very little to support them. I have focused on people who are deviants, and in some more blog posts I'm going to focus on euthanasia. It's related. It's all connected, and it's all coming together now. If you're someone who wants to live in a better society, which is what I desire, then you can play a role by doing what you can, and educating yourself about such topics.

Signing off now, until we meet next time.

Update: As I have explained in other posts, I used to care too much about what others think, to the extent that I never voiced my opinions, but recently I realized that I have some traits and a worldview that makes me unique in a way such that I feel responsible for sharing my worldview with others even though I'm extremely introverted by nature and have good reasons to not care about anything or anyone, including the state of society and less fortunate beings suffering. But I do, and so before proceeding with the main content of the edit, here's a collection of some unconventional or unpopular ideas or beliefs that I talk about in this and other posts, in no particular order and also non-exhaustive because I'm just writing what comes to my mind. Some I have talked about in other posts, some not yet but saved as drafts because I'm still developing them, and there's a third category too that I'll just explain. If you wish to skip this summary, search for the next occurrence of the word "intimidated" and start reading from the paragraph. First, some ideas I explain in my posts:

No one is evil, only their actions are, and everyone deserves to be loved, without exception; we need more kindness compassion and empathy in society, and focus on early detection, prevention and rehabilitation rather than punishment; there are no absolute morals, values, time, reality because all of them are social or neuroscientific constructs, and you can want them all to be anything you are inclined to want them to be, if you have the necessary logical and linguistic skills, knowledge and power; it's your moral responsibility to help people who are less fortunate than you and suffer due to accident of birth or random chance, and all the time that you spend not trying to help them makes you responsible for the suffering you could have prevented if you did (this is a more radical extension of Singer's ideas to time; and I know just now I said morals are subjective but if you read my posts you'd realize I have explained why I think so and I'm not being irrational and there's no inconsistency with my belief systems I can perceive); we need to eradicate all suffering in all it's forms for all possibly sentient beings, including relative disadvantage and flaws in social systems (not going into the diversity and pareto principle issue here); we must not conform to the prevalent code of ethics and societal norms if it goes against your inclinations and predispositions determined by your early environment and genes~ that's all that comes to my mind right now, but for the last one-

(I do realize the implications of what I'm saying, and I have good reasons to think it's going to be better for society and human civilization in the long term; by helping everyone live according to their inclinations, we could create an overall happier society, and for the unethical part, I have some interesting ideas to help them such that no one is harmed and the outcome is net-positive for everyone involved, desirable for everyone. We can help them and also prevent people from suffering, and I explain this in my other posts, so please don't jump to stupid conclusions like I'm saying murder is okay and torturing neurodivergent people is good or anything, because I'd like you to keep in mind that I'm at least intelligent enough to not be so dumb to believe in such ideas and then also talk publicly about them, and everything that intuitively comes to your mind also probably came to my mind too, and I have probably already taken it into account while formulating my theories and publishing them in a public post, so please think deeply before reacting on your impulsive thoughts and intuition, and think before you act.)

Some ideas that I have currently not published on my blog because I'm still working on them: a system that does away with outdated traditional social institutions that are now counterproductive to the very goals they were initially established to achieve, and cause great suffering and have very adverse effects on the mental health of young people who are required and expected by society to go through them for no good reason as everyone knows that they're unnecessary and harmful but take it for granted, accept without questioning how it could be made better, because they have been conditioned to accept how things are probably by a few in a position of power to maintain their status-quo today and in the past. The are somehow okay with it even though they see the great damage it is causing both on the health of young people, and also less apparently but equally importantly in terms of opportunity costs by taking away from their valuable and precious time- perhaps the most valuable limited resource available to them- and condition them in a way that makes it more unlikely that they would change the system and create a better society, as they're so effectively brainwashed and taught that there is no hope and this is how things have always been and will remain; social institutions such as education, healthcare, religion, and family.

I have many more ideas but they're somewhere in my notepad and I'll explain them in my posts. One of them is the same idea of Singer's extended to time but related to self-actualization and a framework that worked for me and might be a good starting point for everyone to find their true values, interests and inclinations through exploration and experimentation, and a few more interesting ideas like selecting people who display traits they're attracted to, creating a fictional character as their ideal best self, a method for which I took inspiration from Method Acting, something I encountered first while reading about how Christian Bale prepared for American Psycho. There is a third category I alluded to earlier, and that's this: practical research project ideas, implementable feasible real-world hands on projects with tangible large-scale impact, not just abstract theoretical ideas, like what I have talked about till now and in every one of my posts.

This includes some experiments that use various tools from neurotechnology, AI and the biosciences to make psychiatry more objective like other fields of medicine, and psychology more like physics with mathematical rigour and abstract general concepts that hold true universally; my plan to use neurofeedback training and an AI-powered app as well as various other interventions to allow everyone to achieve monk-level calm and eradicate all neuroticism and excessive negative emotions through tools such as BCIs and implants and other behavioural, psychological, pharmacological, tech, biological and genetic interventions to allow them to be more rational and suffer less, making them less prone to actions and behaviour that could harm them and those around them. (Trust me, I'm not using AI cause it's the buzzword and new cool thing; I'm perfectly aware of AI overfitting and when it's use and when not, and I'm also a member of the WEF AI Youth Council of India, so you can at least rely on me to not make such a silly rookie mistake.)

Some more: A test for parenting, a method to increase the collective IQ of the human population (and some better, more accurate, scientific, objective and reliable measures for IQ and all forms of intelligence including linguistic, musical, creative, physical, athletic and much more.) and something that might sound eerily similar to positive eugenics but isn't. Also, something to control human overpopulation, and no it isn't a biohazard that wipes out half of the civilization, because that's just a very short-term intervention and there needs to be checks-and-balances to ensure it doesn't repeat and there's no suffering involved. Oh, and it's kind of unethical, I think. Some stuff related to lab-meat and animal cruelty and animal ethics. Some others related to technological singularity and transhumanism. So, as you might have already guessed, I'm going to be that evil genius mad scientist, and no one can stop me except me myself, and I'm my own most dangerous enemy (I'm not even kidding or saying that to sound cool or anything; read my post Confessions.)

There was a time when I was intimidated by even the prospect of danger and I perceived danger in anything and everything; it was unreasonable anxiety, and the high-functioning kind where you appear just well-enough to put up a good act but internally afraid of everything with strong negative emotions in your internal subjective mental state but you think everyone is the same and has to deal with it, but they aren't.

You need to have an open mind and at least be willing to listen and try to understabd. Also value logic. If someone even refuses to listen, let alone answer my questions, not even listen to my questions or my worldview, for now it's a lost cause. For now, because I have plans to fix this problem too, but none practical for the immediately near future that I can do now. I realized, again very sadly (again because this makes the problem of creating a better society by helping people much more complicated and infeasible and hence less realistic and less likely to achieve but it's not yet complicated enough for me to give it up; fortunately I'm capable of levels of complexity and abstractions much more complicated than this, and I'm willing to apply my abilities to such a worthy and noble cause, helping people less fortunate than me who suffer due to accident of birth and random chance, being at a relative disadvantage for no good reason that people don't care about and take for granted, accept things as they are and don't even try; I am still unable to comprehend how they can live peacefully and sleep at night.)

So basically asking questions, not trying to change their mind, just questioning them on their beliefs and making them question their own beliefs, presenting both sides and letting them arrive at their own decisions if they can accept the implications of their beliefs in real life by the stuff that's happening and hypotheticals that have a good chance of happening, but only if they are receptive and open-minded enough, and if not there are other ways that involve direct manipulation, which would not be used it the person believes that suffering is acceptable and they don't need to help those less fortunate than them. But for the rest, just being willing to explain their worldview is enough for me.

If you are still reading, I think you deserve to read my honest unfiltered opinion about the current state of society. It's already too late to turn back now, and I've got nothing to lose, because now I don't care about anyone or anything, so there is no downside as it can't get worse, but unlimited potential upside, so a quick cost-benefit analysis shows that it's rational, and until just a few weeks ago I'd have never dreamed or have been able to conceive in my wildest imagination that I'd ever have the courage and confidence to use slangs and be perfectly honest and direct publicly, but here's my opinion on society.

F- society. You could look up the video clip of the Joker when he goes to meet Murray, and you could also watch the video clip of from Mr. Robot in therapy session, with the same title as my aforementioned opinion. I have every reason to be a cynic misanthrope who not just lives in isolation and keep to himself but also actively works to cause destruction and chaos, not in the violent way, that's too unsophisticated and that's what dumb people do (see my post about Friendship, especially the part about manipulation).

But I still stand by my morals, for some reason. I have the ability to not do so, as I can live fine knowing that people suffer and be completely indifferent to it, but I'm not. (see my post Confessions and Logical Reasons.) Coming back to Mr. Robot for a second, I've not seen the show, just a few clips (that my brain still makes me feel guilty "wasting" my time on, even though it was just 4-5 clips. I think I also read a few episode summaries.) Elliot is a good character, one of the few relatable characters. If you watch that video I mentioned: I agree with Elliot on everything he says about society- at least in this regard, with a few significant differences that are not relevant to this discussion- and I know it's a fictional show and he's a stereotypical Aspie, I still like the idea of the character from the impression I was able to get from a few clips.

(I once surprised a movie fan- it was a classic- by watching a few clips and coming up with a complicated theory the explains some movie loop holes and made the movie even more realistic and at the same time more interesting; the movie fan who witnessed this hidden talent of mine was shocked and called me a fucking genius and I myself was a little surprised by how good I am at this, after which I decided to watch some more movies and get into literary analysis and criticism, but never got the time. I describe this incident in 'Confessions'.) Also just in case anyone is wondering, I don't take drugs like Elliot, and I'm not gifted at programming unlike most Aspies. Though the crying part in which he is shown as being lonely and crying a lot in his apartment and maybe using self-harm as coping mechanisms was very a very accurate depiction of someone who feels overwhelming loneliness and sadness, being socially isolated and not having anyone to relate with or understand, plus the society, but mainly the loneliness it's soul-crushing. (I don't remember for sure, it's been a while since I watched the clips)

Just in case anyone is wondering how I know that, I was such a person in the past, bursting into random bouts of crying accompanied by an intense overwhelming sense of sadness that made me feel hopeless and suicidal, and I did try my best at the time to unalive myself, though now I'm much better and higher on the traits associated with the gifted side of the spectrum rather than the opposite end which involves negative parts related to pain and suffering, which is why I am trying to help those who might be in a similar position to me. that's not nearly the problem that has cause some of the most intense suffering in the past, which I'm sharing so no one thinks that I'm talking all healthy and happy not having suffered, saying all the stuff I say in my blogs. I'd like such people to know I've been through a fair bit of it, and if you are interested in more, read my post 'Flowers for Algernon'. I'm not doing this to garner sympathy of self-pity, I think you'd know by now that I'm not so stupid and irrational. I'm doing this because it's unfair to talk just about the good parts and leave out the bad parts, and so you know that I'm at least somewhat qualified to talk about such things. People need to understand, and know that even though it's not a disorder and might have some significant upsides, it does cause suffering and they must not make it worse by unreasonable social norms and restrictions that make them feel uncomfortable and marginalized.

Coming back to the topic, and before we proceed just a little warning- it's going to get darker now. And if you're sensitive to such things and don't wish to logically analyze values and morality, then you should probably not be reading this post in the first place, but anyway, I'll start with an interesting incident that took place today. I- well never mind, I won't, as I am very busy and I keep writing and writing- as I explain in the beginning of the metapost, I'll just focus on stuff I feel is enough for now, might expand on this incident later, moving on to an incident that occurred later that day.

As I have mentioned several times throughout my other posts, and in great detail in my post about Asperger's, my brain has this habit of giving me new ideas and forming new connections between acquired information and different topics and coming up with research questions related to something I might have read earlier in the day or week. Long story short, I always keep a physical or digital notepad with me at all times and my mom is very annoyed by this and I try to explain how I can't focus on the present moment if I don't note it down; and no, my memory is great and I have learned some memorization techniques to hold a few complex ideas in my mind for a few minutes, but then my brain starts expanding on them and I NEED to write them down or I'll go insane and not just not focus on the present task but act irrationally and might even snap and get angry at someone and say or do something I'd regret later (Never done this yet, fortunately I have enough self-control, but I know it's possible and I wish to try my best to avoid being in such a mental state; similar to how when you're tired and working on complex tasks psychological experiments show that you're more prone to being dishonest and not thinking with your system-2 brain, so I try to not be too harsh on myself for being human and just take steps to prevent this from happening.)

So, I need to write, and I always keep my notepad with me at all times. My mom seemed to be unreasonably annoyed, and so was my aunt and my cousin. Even though I was not troubling anyone and doing everything they wanted; hell, I even wasted my valuable time to go to visit this very crowded and unhygienic religious institution that I have no interest in about a god I don't care about and don't believe in (as I mentioned above). At one point, my cousin snatched my notepad. A bit about the family power dynamics and my relationship by that cousin, because I just realized that it might create some confusion if I proceed without doing so.

He's around 10 years older than me, we're not too friendly, as I said there are very few people I consider like-minded and they are very rare, and this family member is not one of them. So, it's like how I'd act with a distant cousin whom you don't talk to much but maybe meet once every few years in some family gathering or something. I don't know how it's like for other families, but the main point is that we don't have any inside jokes or have fun teasing each other, nothing like that.

He snatched my notepad and refused to give it back. Now, something interesting happened. As usual, not in the external observable universe or any outside event, but inside my mind. I was frustrated because he refused to give it back even though I'm clearly following all instructions and agreed to come in the first place to please my parents on the condition that I bring my notepad with me (he violated it, and now I'm never going to go be forced to go to any religious institution against my will, assuming free-will is true for this discussion).

Now, it's also important to keep in mind that not only is he approximately 10 years older than me, but also has a strong build, almost 6 feet tall, muscular stature and domineering structure, with the sort of body language and attitude that gives off don't-mess-with-me-or-you-know-what's-going-to-happen.

And yes, he does get violent at times due to which he doesn't have the respect that I have for people who are able to control their impulses and override their intuitive thoughts and desires with their logical mind, but again I have empathy and understand where he's coming from. (More on this in my post Friends). I asked him to give my notebook back, and I tried snatching it from his hands, but due to his physical strength, I couldn't. (Why am I the only person in this family of 6 feet tall cousins- okay this is not the time to rant and I like to think I'm more rational than to obsess over such superficial factors out of our direct control that society has conditioned us to believe matters due to it's unreasonable and harmful beauty standards; Also, I'd never exchange places with him as I know he cannot develop the ideas I'm working on, no offense to him and I'm definitely not saying I'm better in any way, as he doesn't even care about thinking so deeply about things and accepts dogmatic religious practices and traditions without questioning them. Scary, isn't it? Time to express gratitude.)

And so I felt like shouting at him before my rational system-2 brain kicked in and once again saved the day. I did a quick cost-benefit analysis in my head, and what I'm going to describe happened in the span of a few seconds, and I'm sure about the time period because if I didn't think so fast, I'd have acted differently than how I acted in reality: I turned my attention inwards toward my internal subjective mental state and feelings, and realized and acknowledged the fact that I fear absolutely zero anxiety or fear even though this person could literally punch or slap me and no one in my family would think he did anything wrong. The next thing I realized is that I might do something irrational because there is no fear stopping me from doing so, and simultaneously I also felt surprised that I'm so good at not feeling fear or intimidated by someone physically threatening and voicing out my opinion in face of danger. Then I made the connection with a piece of information that said how intelligence is not enough, wisdom is too; and I realized how I would be completely justified and give intelligent logical reasons for him to give my notepad back, but it'd be unwise (I prefer to call it irrational) to do so because he's clearly not interested in listening and the outcome might not be too desirable for me.

Continuing the same thought process in the few seconds after that event occurred: I considered the possibility of me bearing malicious intent and coming back to get my revenge on him later- perhaps a few years later- when I have more power and play some manipulative mind games to deceive him using some dark arts that would leave him an emotional wreck so he never forgets his mistake and never repeats it, making him regret what he did for the rest of his life. But then just at the same time I also caught myself and told my brain that I'm not a fricking psychopath and that's inconsistent with my morals though I could perfectly justify it using logical reasons, I feel that's wrong, and I must not do so. Then I thought about the best way to deal with such a domineering unthinking aggressive type. I told him how my ideas are about helping sentient beings less fortunate than him suffering, and he just said he doesn't care and he's perfectly fine with them suffering, and that nothing I say will change his mind.

That settled it, and I realized it's a lost cause so wasting my mental energy and time arguing would be irrational and futile, because it was an understandable worldview though I could have given him some good convincing logical reasons (Kant's Categorical Imperative, Rawl's Veil of Ignorance, Jung's Shadow Theory, Schopenhauer on Morality, and many more..) myself knowing that the reasons I'm giving could be argued against but also knowing that my cousin would not be able to come up with such counter-arguments so soon on the spot. So maybe he already knew this and did the smart thing by just telling me he won't listen to anything I have to say and isn't interested in anything that's happening to anyone. After that, I started employing my powers of delayed gratification, reframing, rationalization and trying to find the silver lining in an event that you can't control.

Here's some reasons my brain gave me within a few seconds to help me rationalize and reframe this event in a more optimistic way: it could be a time period of rest by preventing me from expanding on my ideas already written, the explore part of the explore-exploit trade-off from theoretical computer science (see my post Analysis Paralysis), and allow my brain to generate more ideas and form newer connections, maybe focus on the incoming sensory information by being mindful of my surroundings till my brain starts giving ideas that maybe I could try as a challenge to store in my memory for as long as it takes to get my notepad back.

In the meanwhile I saw some chickens trapped in a cage and a little goat- I think- the looked like it's going to get slaughtered- some people said it's just some blood, cut in a ear, some said it's just a pet, but many also said it's a lamb for slaughter- and I internally promised them that I'll help them very soon, and fix these stupid people's mentality that- in the name of religion- compels them to harm possible sentient beings by making them suffer. Religion, for me, is acceptable as long as it's for peace, harmony, mental health benefits, comfort, unity, belonging; the moment it's used to spread hatred or incite violence, cause harm to someone else, it's unacceptable, and I'm going to strongly oppose it and try to make people understand why this is not the way, and why the god they believe in would not want them to do this and they're offending that god by doing what a few people with malicious intent and selfish desires are telling them to do. I also saw a baby, and felt kind of happy and sad at the same time- happy because he's currently unaware of the reality and truth of the real world, sad because he might never be and just be swayed by parental, peer and societal pressure and never come out of this illusion and made to suffer, maybe even turn into a misanthrope, so many ways things could go wrong, which is why I was also kind of sad.

It crossed my mind if I could do him a service and spare him from the suffering, but then I realized it's irrational because I don't have adequate information about whether or not the neg negative would outweigh the net positive, plus I might just be projecting my own thoughts and worldview on this little kid who might not even be sentient right now and might go on to live a fulfilling life, and most importantly, it'd be stupid and irrational to do so for my own future career because even if I could come up with clever rationalizations to- you know, like what Rodion did in C&P- it would be stupid because my own morals won't allow it and I would not be able to help all the others in a much better way that I want to, so I just gave him a little smile and watched that little unaware little biological machine looking around as if trying to make sense of the world with those large white clear beady eyes looking like a frightened feral kitten, as if he can see it all, everything that I see, and in shock trying to make sense what just happened and coming into the mindset, maybe forgetting everything he knows to start with a somewhat blank slate to take in new info so he can be conditioned by the beliefs of his family and environment, depending on the place and socioeconomic background of his family, their genes and the nurture they could provide him with, he could be anything.

(A comment on family: Unfortunately, no one seems to believe in rational calm discussion and open debate, and everyone believes that violence is necessary at times, and that talking is useless; I'm willing to bet they have never heard of terms like effective communication, persuasive speaking or rhetoric. They don't care about what my logic and scientific evidence says, because of course their personal experiences are more accurate and reliable and completely free of subjective bias. My disappointment is immeasurable, and my life is already kinda meaningless so I don't really care. I'll show them in the coming days, once I publish all these blog posts, including the one you're reading now.. I swear I'll go crazy for real if I don't find the right university with the right kind of people; I am grateful to have a home and loving parents but I just can't. I need some independence, some real-life social interaction with similar like-minded people with a university that is receptive to my ideas and provides me with the research facilities or I'll go full on Mr. Robot Elliot or Joker, if you know what I mean.. )

Bonus: A little something I sent to a friend who happens to be an aspiring forensic psychologist: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Dh4Wz7wcg2ri6KxPo4VJwiClSgn8gcrlHSoN5LR2S-0/edit?usp=sharing

Update: From my post Madness, a part relevant to this post.. or I'll just share the link to a story I posted.. https://docs.google.com/document/d/1na22P8JZf7RSrzbr_SnFzWbyBkj0860fhjEHh0K0Fhk/edit?usp=sharing